SOUVENIRS

(Formerly: MORE THAN YOU DESERVE)
A Romantic Musical in Two Acts
by
Michael Weller
and
Jim Steinman

SCENES

ACT I

ACT II

CAST

DOCTOR
NURSE
MIKE - a patient
WILEY - a patient
COSTUCCI - a patient
NATHAN - a patient
TWO SPOOKIES
OWLSY - a patient
FIONA MARKHAM - reporter. 24.
MAJOR MICHAEL DILLON - commanding officer. 61.
SERGEANT PRICE - Public Information officer. 35.
LIEUTENANT MADDOX
LUKE BYSON JR. - a private
MELVIN GLUTZ - a private
HERBIE - a private
TROUT - a private
SUGAR - a private
BROWN - a private
MEAT LOAF - a private
JOE - a private

UNCLE REMUS - an old Vietnamese
NAO THON - a friend of UNCLE REMUS
LAO SHIH )
NIN HUA ) - possibly UNCLE REMUS’ daughters. Possibly not.
MU NAM )

VARIOUS VIETNAMESE & SOLDIERS
PILOT - RADIOMAN

ACT I SCENE 1

Army Hospital, Zama Japan, B-Ward.

In various beds lie MIKE, NATHAN, WILEY, COSTUCCI, LUKE, and two basket cases entirely cased up in bandages and attached to drips and electrographic monitors. These are the TWO SPOOKIES. COSTUCCI is blind. HE is asleep. The OTHERS have an assortment of wounds or amputations. A DOCTOR is finishing his rounds.

DOCTOR All right, heroes of America, lights out. And no funny business tonight. Those two men (SPOOKIES) are critical.
LUKE Any word on my transfer back home, Doc? No kidding, that wound really messed up my nervous system. I wasn’t kidding about the … you-know-what.
DOCTOR Little medical lesson, Luke. The small toe of the left foot is not and never has been the site of any critical nerve centers, not even in a freak like you. So the next time you get a notion to shoot your way out of Uncle Sam’s finest, aim for the base of the spine, and don’t miss. Then maybe I’ll believe you when you say you can’t get an erection.
LUKE(Anxiously) Shhhh. Doc, for chrissakes, it ain’t a headline story. Look, ask the nurse if you don’t believe me.
(THEY look around. No nurse)
DOCTOR Nurse!
(The NURSE emerges from underneath a bed with NATHAN, smoothing her uniform and trying to be casual)
NURSE(To NATHAN) Your progress seems to be satisfactory.
NATHAN So’s yours.
DOCTOR(Muttering) To think I gave up a practice in Baltimore for this.
(The DOCTOR and NURSE exit)
LUKE They can’t send me back to Nam. Not now. I got places to go. Things to do.
WILEY You ain’t the only one.
LUKE I’m the only one that’s got someone waiting for me like the someone I got waiting for me back home. You ain’t never seen blue till you seen her eyes. Skin like a lily, and dying a little every day that I ain’t around.
(Enter OWLSY like a frankenstein monster)
OWLSY I brought the acid, masters.
NATHAN Make way for super-freak. Come on you beautiful bastard, show us the goodies.
(OWLSY hands over the acid)
WILEY(Looking) Ooooh, christ, I swear on the ghost of sweet Lucille, they glow in the dark. The tabs, count ‘em.
OWLSY I didn’t have one of the chemicals you’re supposed to use so this batch might be on the poisonous side.
LUKE Hey, heroes, what’s going on around here?
(The MEN smile knowingly at each other)
NATHAN Pssst. Costucci.
(COSTUCCI is asleep. THEY play an old trick on him; ONE GUY goes “BANG” behind COSTUCCI, right by his ear, and when HE bolts upright, mouth open in confusion, NATHAN pops a tab of acid in his mouth)
Pill time …
COSTUCCI I’m not supposed to have any pills.
NATHAN P-A-R-T-Y.
COSTUCCI Oh, Jesus, the party, I almost forgot.
(COSTUCCI puts on dark glasses and white cane and goes to LUKE with a leather pouch)
LUKE Hey, come on gang, what ’s the game? Papa wants to know.
COSTUCCI Luke, this here’s a little something from us … the guys in B-Ward …
WILEY … Japan’s answer to Disneyland …
COSTUCCI … Yeah, on account of ‘cause you’re going back to Nam.
NATHAN We collected around for a farewell party.
LUKE On the level?
NATHAN Would a former employee of Metropolitan Life, janitorial division, ever tell a lie?
(LUKE handles the leather bag)
LUKE What is it?
COSTUCCI Open it, douche bag.
(LUKE pulls out a shriveled wedge)
LUKE What the hell is this?
WILEY Ears. Gook ears. Fifty of them. Count ‘em. Your outfit ain’t combat, right? So these little fellers are scarcer than hen’s teeth.
NATHAN Five bucks a piece, no trouble.
MIKE Guy wants a little rest and recreation, takes a couple of these to his C.O. and says ‘Look what I just killed, sir.’ Boom, he’s got hisself a week in Honolulu.
LUKE Any of you guys ever been kissed by a man?
(MEN cat-call)
Hey, gang, seriously. Thanks. This is real special.
NATHAN Come on, come on, let’s get this acid moving around. Step right up, ladies and gentlemen, get yer happy time.
(The MEN all scramble for the acid and gulp it down. OWLSY has meanwhile gone and put acid in the SPOOKIES’ drips)
LUKE Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, what are we doing? I ain’t going back. I ain’t. I got plans. STOP THE PARTY. Big plans.
OWLSY(By SPOOKIES) This guy’s talking. I shit you not. I put some acid in his drip and ten seconds later he starts making this sort of noise … ooooh, it’s weird…
MIKE You put acid in his drip?
OWLSY Only a little, you know.
NATHAN This one’s singing…
WILEY What’s he singing?.
NATHAN You ain’t never seen blue till you seen her eyes …
WILEY Sounds like you, Luke..
LUKE Shaddap…
NATHAN You’re a real hit with the baskets.

(The MEN use the SPOOKIES as puppets in this song, moving them around as if it was THEY that were singing)

SONG

MIKE GIVE ME THE SIMPLE LIFE
HARRY AND SHARON; HUSBAND AND WIFE
A COMFY LITTLE BUNGALOW
A YELLOW CHEVROLET
SITTING ON THE PORCH AT NIGHT
STARING AT THE MILKY WAY.
ALL THE MILKY WAY
A GUY LIKE ME COULD BE THE TOAST OF THE TOWN
A GUY LIKE ME TOASTED MEDIUM BROWN
MIKE HEY PRETTY GIRL DO YOU REMEMBER OLD ACE
AND HOW’D YA LIKE TA MARRY A MAN
ALL HOW’D YA LIKE TA MARRY A MAN
HOW’D YA LIKE TA MARRY A MAN … A MAN … A MAN WITHOUT A FACE.
MEAT LOAF I’M A BUNDLE OF FUN, A MOUNTAIN OF JOY,
HEY PRETTY GIRL WILL YOU MARRY THIS BOY
A BUNDLE OF FUN, A MOUNTAIN OF JOY,
HEY PRETTY GIRL WILL YOU MARRY … THIS PRETTY BOY …
WILEY YOU’RE JUST THE MAN FOR ME
MISTER AND MISSUS; HE AND SHE
A MATCHING SET OF FURNITURE
A SHINY FRIGIDAIRE
A SPIN AROUND THE COUNTRYSIDE
TO CATCH A BREATH OF COUNTRY AIR
COUNTRY AIR …
ALL A GUY LIKE YOU COULD BE THE TOAST OF THE TOWN
A GUY LIKE YOU TOASTED MEDIUM BROWN
SURE PRETTY BOY, I AIN’T FORGOTTEN OLD ACE
WILEY AND IT SO HAPPENS I COULD MARRY A MAN
IN FACT I’ve ALWAYS LONGED TO MARRY A MAN
ALL I’D REALLY LIKE TO MARRY A MAN … A MAN … A MAAAAAAN …
WITHOUT A FACE.
MEAT LOAF YOU’RE A GENUINE FIND, A BONA FIDE WIN
LOVELY AS ADONIS UNDERNEATH THE SKIN
A GENUINE FIND, A BONA FIDE WIN
LOVE AS ADONIS UNDERNEATH … UNDERNEATH THE SKIN.

(LUKE has been moping through all this)

NATHAN (Spoken) Hey, come on Luke, hospitals are for dancing.
LUKE Oh, hell, if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.
(LUKE does a few steps of dance, and it gets him cooking. Flashing)
WOW!!!!
(LUKE and the CAST do a dance)

MEAT LOAF(Singing) YOU KNOW I’ve GIVEN ALL THE LITTLE THINGS THAT A MAN CAN EVER GIVE
NOW I ONLY WANT TO SETTLE DOWN AND LIVE, LIVE, LIVE
GIMME RIGHT NOW, GIMME RIGHT NOW, GIMME RIGHT NOW
GIMME RIGHT NOW, BEFORE I HAVE TO TAKE IT
WILEY HE’S JUST THE MAN FOR ME
MIKE SHE’S JUST THE GIRL FOR ME
WILEY MISTER AND MISSUS: HE AND SHE
MIKE MISTER AND MISSUS: HE AND SHE
BOTH A FLAGPOLE OUT IN FRONT OF THE HOUSE
A BARBECUE IN BACK
AND KIDS TO CALL US MOM AND DAD
IT’S ALL A MAN COULD EVER ASK.
ALL COULD EVER ASK
A GUY LIKE ME COULD BE THE TOAST OF THE TOWN
A GUY LIKE ME TOASTED MEDIUM BROWN
HEY PRETTY GIRL DO YOU REMEMBER OLD ACE
AND HOW’D YA LIKE TA MARRY A MAN
HOW’D YA LIKE TA MARRY A MAN
HOW’D YA LIKE TA MARRY A MAN … A MAN … A MAAAAN
WITHOUT A FACE,
WITHOUT A FACE,
WITHOUT A FACE …

END OF SONG

OWLSY You know something? I don’t think we should’ve pulled their plugs out.
LUKE Why not?
(On cue, the SPOOKIES, who have been left balancing upright, topple over. OWLSY laughs madly)
NATHAN What’s the matter with him?
OWLSY My future as a ward assistant is definitely gloomy.
LUKE Let’s go ‘round the hospital and unplug all the totals.
ALL Yeah …
OWLSY Do you have to?
LUKE Kicks is kicks, Owlsy, and it looks like this is my last chance for a little funsby.
(ALL file off singing and laughing … )

REPRISE

MEN HOW’D YA LIKE TA MARRY A MAN
HOW’D YA LIKE TA MARRY A MAN
HOW’D YA LIKE TA MARRY A MAN
A MAN … A MAAAAAAAN,
WITHOUT A FACE.

(OWLSY sees HE’s been left alone)
OWLSY Hey, wait for me.

END SCENE 1

ACT I Scene 2

Camp Sally, Parade Grounds.

A slightly raised stage with a banner over it in red, white, and blue reading ‘THE 103rd DIVISION, (SPIKEHEELS) WELCOMES SAIGON PRESS CORPS TO CAMP SALLY’.

SOLDIERS run back and forth and orders are being barked off-stage. Something big is afoot. MAJOR DILLON stands in the midst of all this, miles away in a reverie. P.I.O. SERGEANT PRICE glances nervously at his watch. A helicopter is heard landing off-stage. LIEUTENANT MADDOX rushes on.

MADDOX(To DILLON) Sir, the press helicopter just landed.
(To PRICE)
Price, where the hell are the gooks?
(HERBIE, a private, runs on dressed in a conical hat and black pajamas, like a Vietnamese peasant)
HERBIE Is this O.K., Sarge?
PRICE(To MADDOX) We’ve had to revise the welcome ceremony a little, sir. One of the men got carried away last night in Dong Phu and shot most of the gooks we’d hired.
HERBIE All of them, sir.
MADDOX What?
(To DILLON)
Major, did you hear that? Sir? Sir!
DILLON Hmmmm? What seems to be the trouble, Maddox?
(BROWN, another private, black, runs across the stage)
PRICE BROWN!
(BROWN stops)
Tell the men to get the lead out, and get your gook clothes on.
BROWN I’m supposed to be the black guy in the officers club. That’s what you said.
MADDOX Never mind the black guy in the officers club, we need gooks, gooks, gooks.
(Enter privates TROUT, MEAT LOAF, SUGAR, and MELVIN, ALL in Vietnamese peasants’ clothing. TROUT goes to PRICE)
TROUT(Kowtowing) Herrro, sergeant, you rikeee?
(BROWN runs off, busting up)
MADDOX All right, men, ten … shut. Price, for christ sake get out there and meet the reporters.
(PRICE exits. The MEN try to form a line)
MEN You’re supposed to be there. No, over here. I’m next to him. He’s supposed to be on the right. Etc. (ad lib)
MADDOX Sir. Sir!
DILLON Very good, lieutenant.
(PRICE enters leading the PRESS, among which is FIONA MARKHAM. At the last moment, BROWN, in Vietnamese clothes, rushes on, crashes into the lineup of MEN and sends them sprawling. PRICE tries awkwardly to cover this)
PRICE Right this way, ladies and gentlemen. The men here wanted to extend a little native welcome when they heard you were coming.
(MEAT LOAF steps forward, hands a flower to EACH REPORTER going …)
MEAT LOAF Relcome … relcome … relcome … relcome. How long y’all gonna be here?
(A jeep pulls up nearby)
PRICE That’ll do, soldier. Ah … looks like the transporation just arrived. If you’ll follow me, we’ll get under way, starting with the resettlement hamlet itself …
(HE ushers the REPORTERS off. FIONA slips away from the GROUP. The PRIVATES wave the REPORTERS good-bye)
MADDOX All right, you men, dismissed.
(SOLDIERS exit. DILLON has seen FIONA.
To DILLON)
So far so good.
DILLON (Warning about FIONA)
Ah, lieutenant.
(FIONA steps forward)
FIONA(To DILLON) Well, Major, as half-assed public relations show jobs go, that was a pretty unimpressive start.
MADDOX Who the hell do you think you are? I’m sorry sir, but I’ve read a copy of the so-called newspaper she’s working for and if that’s a newspaper then I’m the Jolly Green Giant. All they talk about is drugs, free sex, abortions, fairies, equal rights for niggers, blowing up banks …
DILLON Lieutenant, you can go now.
(MADDOX spins on his heels and exits with a dangerous glance at FIONA)
FIONA Tsk, tsk, tsk. Hot tempered.
DILLON Well, he’s a good officer.
FIONA(Sarcastic laugh) Come on, Major, you can do better than that.
DILLON If you want to be a reporter over here, let me give you a piece of good advice. Learn to look a little deeper into a man than the uniform he’s wearing.
FIONA Don’t patronize me, Major.
DILLON Then don’t patronize me. Everyone’s entitled to a little self-esteem. Even the military.
FIONA O.K. Truce.
DILLON As a matter of fact, I happen to love Vietnam, as much as I love my own country.
(Points)
Mountains over there. The rivers winding down through the paddies slower than time itself. It’s probably the closest I’ll ever get to paradise this side of heaven.
FIONA Major, are you putting me on?
DILLON You see Lo Dinh Temple up there in the saddle of those foothills.
FIONA Yeees …
(Skeptical)
DILLON Well, when this terrible war is over, I’m going to build a honeymoon hotel right above it. I dream about it every night. Native cuisine, scenic river cruises up and down the Dong Phu, music and dancing -- but not raucous, you know. The whole emphasis would be on taste and elegance.
FIONA Of course.
DILLON Qualities no one respects much any more.
(Pause)
Now why did I tell you all that? I’ve never mentioned it to anyone before. What did you say your name was?
(FIONA is writing. SHE doesn’t really hear)
FIONA Markham.
DILLON Just … Markham?
(FIONA looks up)
FIONA Fiona. Markham. Ms.
DILLON(Savoring the name) Fiona. That’s very pretty. Irish?
FIONA Can we cut the charm routine, Major? I’ve got a lot of work to do and I just haven’t got the time or the patience to cut that kind of bullshit any more …
DILLON You sure are a spirited little lady. No offense. I admire that in a woman.
FIONA I’m not a woman, I’m a reporter. I’m a damn good reporter. No, why the hell be modest about it, I’m probably the best fucking reporter in this country at the moment.
DILLON Fiona … are you wearing a brassiere?
FIONA Jesus, where are you at? I thought all the big boys had been taught about all the big girls. No, Major, like 83% of my sex I am not wearing a bra.
(Grabs breast)
Bosom.
(Grabs crotch)
Crotch. This is a woman’s anatomy. Oh. Note.
(Unzips fly)
No wee-wee. Incredible, but true. End of lesson.
(Pause)
Now, can we please get back to the war …

SONG

(Music swells. DILLON is enchanted)

DILLON COULD SHE BE THE ONE
COULD SHE BE MEANT FOR ME
OR IS THIS JUST ANOTHER DREAM
ANOTHER FLEETING FANTASY
OR COULD IT BE FOR ONCE MY DREAM IS COMING TRUE
IS SHE STANDING HERE WITH ME
AND COULD SHE BE THE ONE

(Musical accompaniment continues beneath the following interchange)

FIONA(Spoken) Major?
(SHE sees HE is hopelessly in a trance over her body. SHE decides to play it his way, shoots the audience a dirty look)
Major, you know there is one little thing y’all could do for me if it wouldn’t be too much trouble. I’m really kinda well … taken the place and I’d just love to spend some time looking it over … to get that special angle … I just know you understand.
DILLON It’s against regulations …
FIONA Couldn’t you just try. Just for little me.
DILLON By dammit, I’ll do my best.
FIONA That should be more than enough …

DILLON CHANGING, CHANGING,
SO DEEP INSIDE
SOMETHING IS CHANGING ME
AND I KNOW I CANNOT HIDE IT
FEELING STRANGELY
SO VERY STRANGE
COULD IT BE MY HOUR HAS COME AND COULD SHE REALLY BE THE ONE

YEARNING, YEARNING
INSIDE MY SOUL
I FEEL A YEARNING NOW
THOUGHT I’D LOST IT LONG AGO
NOW IT’S RETURNING
AND BURNING LIKE THE SUN
COULD IT BE MY HOUR HAS COME AND COULD SHE REALLY BE THE ONE

TELL ME NOW NOW
AM I GOING INSANE
COULD SHE REALLY BE MEANT FOR ME
I’M SLIPPING DOWN DOWN
AND I’M SPINNING AROUND
LIKE A LEAF THAT HAS LOST ITS TREE
I’D GIVE MY LIFE
IF THIS COULD ONLY BE
FIONA…
DEAR WORLD LET YOUR BANNERS UNFURL
LET THE CHURCH BELLS PEAL
‘CAUSE IT SEEMS THAT MY HOUR MAY HAVE COME
I’M BEGINNING TO SEE
OH I THINK IT COULD BE
YES IT’S HAPPENED TO ME …
SHE’S THE ONE

END SCENE 2

ACT I Scene 3

Makeshift office in hut.

FIONA at typewriter, working. Cigarette and coffee. Intense concentration as SHE types. Enter PRICE.

PRICE Miss Markham …
FIONA(Impatiently) Wait a minute.
(FIONA finishes typing a sentence. Sits back, appraising)
Perfecto.
(To PRICE)
O.K. What can I do for you? Price, is it?
PRICE I’m afraid I have some bad news for you, ma’am. Dillon just got word from Saigon. Negative on your request to stay. That’s official and from the top. I’ll have a helicopter ready for you in, say, 30 minutes … Sorry.
FIONA You know, it’s funny the way the camp just suddenly gets deserted at this time of day.
PRICE Oh, well, the guys have a place off base where they hang out during the off duty hours.
FIONA What kind of place?
PRICE Oh, you know. It’s pretty wild?
FIONA How?
PRICE Oh, all kinds of things go on there. Just, wild things.
FIONA Take me there …
PRICE But, ma’am …
FIONA Fiona …
PRICE Fiona, I’ve gotta get you back to Saigon immediately.
FIONA First it’s 30 minutes, now it’s immediately. Show me where the men hang out and let me worry about Saigon.
PRICE But it’s my neck …
FIONA You put me on the helicopter four hours ago, didn’t you?
PRICE Huh?
FIONA I bribed the pilot, he landed me in the jungle and stealthily I crept back through the undergrowth.
PRICE You scare the bejeesus out of me, ma’am. The way you talk I get the feeling you’d just about kill for a story …
FIONA Maybe I would.

SONG: “MY FIRST BIG WAR”

(SONG ENDS. Big applause)

FIONA How ‘bout it, Sarge?Where’s your sense of adventure? Live a little.
PRICE I don’t know …
FIONA You take me to the men, and maybe they’ll read something nice about you in print up at H.Q. in Saigon … Deal?
PRICE(Smile) Deal … Come on.

FADE TO …

ACT I Scene 4

The Hooch.

An outdoor hooch with lean-to that’s been done up by UNCLE REMUS out of army surplus to look like a sidewalk cafe. Tables. A hammock. A bar -- portable. Japanese lanterns. Feeling of intense heat and damp. SUGAR, HERBIE, TROUT, JOE, MEAT LOAF, BROWN, and MELVIN are ALL relaxing. Mosquito slapping. Smoke hanging in air. NAO THON, a smiling Vietnamese, is getting some drinks at the bar. SUGAR stands reading the thermometer. A portable hi-fi plays slow, cool rock behind.

SUGAR Hey, the silver thing’s gone right up off the top of the thermometer.
HERBIE Jesus, I hope it ain’t getting hot out.
BROWN Am I stoned or did I just feel a breeze?
JOE You’re stoned.
BROWN I thought so.
MEAT LOAF All this heat’s making some kind of weird fungus grow on my neck.
HERBIE That’s your head, Meat Loaf.
(NAO THON brings a Coke over to HERBIE)
What are you so happy about?
NAO THON Life very happy thing, no?
HERBIE Couldn’t you just kill him!
(Record starts to repeat due to scratch)
JOE Your turn Trout.
(TROUT goes to record player, mumbling)
TROUT Every day for three goddamn months we been putting this same record on and every day for three goddamn months it’s been scratched in the same place.
(HE takes the record off)
If I didn’t know any better I’d say we were cracking up. REMUS!
(A voice answers from inside)
REMUS(Off) What?
TROUT Hurry up with that nookie you promised us …
REMUS(Off) Fruck off …
(Three loud, sharp whistles from off stage. The MEN tense with anticipation. SUGAR counts those present. Another triplet of whistles)
SUGAR Everybody that knows the code is here!
HERBIE Luke
? SUGAR But he was headed back home.
BROWN(HERBIE gets control) He must’ve not made it.
HERBIE Cool it everybody. Cool it. Let’s give him the midnight special. Everybody as you were.
(EVERYONE catches on and resumes places. LUKE comes roaring on)
LUKE Hey, hey …
(And screeches to a halt)
HERBIE(Cool) Hi, Luke. What’s happening?
TROUT(Cool) How’s the foot?
LUKE(Pause) So-so.
(Pause)
You bastards …
(THEY ALL burst out laughing, run to him, and welcome him with hugs, whoops, etc.)
Brethren, brethren … coolez-vous.
SUGAR Hey, come on, tell us about Japland.
LUKE Japan? What can I tell ya? Paradise.
MEAT LOAF How’s the local talent shape up over there?
LUKE I am not at liberty to divulge the full extent and deployment of Nipponese nookie at the present moment. But I’ll tell you this much:
(Pause)
and that’s all I’ll tell you.
(THEY laugh and jostle him. HE wanders around checking the place out)
This dump ain’t changed a bit. Same old record. Same old scratch. Same old ass-holes. Home sweet mother-loving home.
(A gong rings. The MEN get excited)
MEN It’s her …
LUKE Who?
MEN Uncle Remus.
(A long piercing yell as UNCLE REMUS, an elderly Vietnamese comes streaking on)
REMUS HERRO MORRAFRUKKAHS!!! Here come de nookie …
(Music starts immediately as THREE VIETNAMESE enter in dance, doing a bump and grind. REMUS keeps up a steady patter all the while)
Look at that hot stuff. Beautiful oriental flower, never been touch, you better believe it, no rip-off here Joe, very clean girls, no diseases, no wounds, no missing limbs, all very special, fuck like bunny … all virgin …
(Music continues. LUKE puts a friendly arm around REMUS’ shoulder, cooking up a deal)
LUKE Hello there, my little slope eyed friend. I’m Luke Byson Jr. and I like your style.
REMUS Oh, gotta lotta nice shit fo’ you today Joe. Frashright. Cheap japonese camera. Lotta pepsi cola. Get from PX. Got extra special dynamite grass fi’ dollah kilo very cheap, good gin very nice mebbee, got Marburro cigarette, post card, extra special dirty mebbee nookie-nookie, good hash today, super dynamite heroin …
LUKE Shift into low chop-chop. How much for the girls. All three.
REMUS All three?
(Knowing smile)
Him like lotta nookie, yes?
LUKE They ain’t for me. They’re for these creeps -- friends and brothers of B-Company as a token of my esteem and gratitude for the manner in which they welcomed back their long lost buddy just now.
(MEN respond)
REMUS Two hundred dollah.
(The MEN react with shock. This is an outrageous starting price, even for REMUS)
LUKE Two hundred!!! No deal.
REMUS Fruck off, chipskake Joe. Twenty-five dollah.
(Before REMUS has the last word out SUGAR has shot her four or five times with his M-16. REMUS falls, splattered with blood)
SUGAR I can’t take it the way she’s always ripping us off.
LUKE Sugar … Calmez-vous. Who was she?
HERBIE Some old gook. She just wandered through and stayed on.
(LUKE takes this in, then goes to REMUS, prods her with his toe)
LUKE Hey, he
(SUGAR)
didn’t mean it. He’s sensitive.
(REMUS rises, brushes herself off and continues)
REMUS Two hundred fifty dollah …
LUKE It ain’t enough, Remus, it just ain’t enough …
REMUS Fruck off chipskake Joe … What?
LUKE I want to give you more than that!
(LUKE takes an ear from his bag, shows it to REMUS)
How’s them apples?
REMUS(Taking the ear) Apples?
LUKE Ears. Fifty of ‘em. Ten bucks a piece easy. You sell ‘em for souvenirs. Sure easy.
(All the MEN mock agree)
MEN(Ad lib, i.e.) I’d give fifteen right now. Ten’s a steal.
LUKE Five hundred bucks right there.
REMUS Who ears?
LUKE Gooks. Like you. And I’ll cut yours off if you say no. How about it? You takee-takee?
(Tension breaks, the MEN whoop, the THREE VIETNAMESE rush into the spirit of things, and a wild dance follows based on the previous song. EVERYONE joins in.

SONG

Hot bump and grind dance. This dance is brought to a sudden halt when PRICE appears with FIONA at the edge of a jungle path. The MEN and the VIETNAMESE fall silent “caught in the act,” and PRICE is obliged to explain)
PRICE Ah. Men. This is one of the reporters from yesterday. Fiona Markham. She wants to interview a few …
FIONA(Spotting LUKE) Luke!!!
LUKE Nellie!!! Is it really you?
FIONA(Under breath, urgent) Fiona. It’s Fiona and I’m really different Luke, so brace yourself.
(To herself)
Oh, no!
LUKE(Grinning) Jeez, you’re still the prettiest thing I ever laid eyes on. What are you doing all the way over here?
FIONA I’m reporting the war. I’ve split from home. I’m living in New York … downtown. Look, it’s a long story. I’ll explain later.
LUKE(To MEN) This is my Nellie …
FIONA FIONA!!
LUKE What’s the difference, baby? Either way, when the church bells ring it’ll be just plain Mrs. Luke Byson, Jr.
FIONA What?
LUKE(Grinning) Yeah. Heck, I been thinking it over and I guess you were right all along.
FIONA We’re not getting married, Luke.
LUKE But that’s what you always said you wanted.
FIONA That’s all changed. We can ball now. I mean, I’m not into that marry-me-first-then-you-can-fuck-me stuff any more, but …
LUKE Nellie, honey, you don’t want to go talking like that, New York or no …
TROUT Hey Luke, how about introducing us to the pretty little lady?
BROWN Yeah, what’s yours is mine.
(FIONA makes a move towards them. LUKE grabs her arm and stops her)
LUKE I don’t want you messing around with them out here.
FIONA Take your hand off me, Luke Byson, Jr. Just who the hell do you think you are?
LUKE I’m your guy … that’s who.
FIONA You are nothing. You are zero, zilch, nada. Try to understand. It’s over.
(LUKE’s heart is wounded. Some music helps us know this. FIONA walks right by him and talks to the MEN)
FIONA Hi. The sergeant here was telling me this is where you guys hang out.
MEAT LOAF For sure, ma’am. This is our typical off-base hideout.
FIONA Anyone got a joint?
BROWN(Surprised) Well … ah …
PRICE(Smelling danger) Luke, tell her to go back to Saigon …
LUKE Why, sergeant? You hear her. She can handle the action.
FIONA That’s right, sergeant. Thanks, Luke. Thanks for understanding.
LUKE Sure. Give the lady a joint, Brownie.
BROWN Sure thing.
(FIONA takes it)
FIONA Pretty good weed.
REMUS(To FIONA) Herro.
FIONA(To MEN) Right. Well, what my paper is interested in in particular is the human slant on this war. We want to get at the soldier’s life from a slant that’s human. Oh, I already said that, didn’t I?
(SHE giggles)
I’ll do that again. No, seriously now, we know there’s a human slant over here … a human soldier … wow, this grass is dynamite!!!
MEAT LOAF Well, ma’am, there’s a very serious drug problem over here …
(LUKE, behind FIONA, is signaling the MEN silently)
TROUT Oh, yeah, and there’s that other problem too, right, Luke?
LUKE If you say so.
FIONA What problem?
ALL Sex.
REMUS Nookie.
FIONA Oh, for sure, for sure.
(MEN grab FIONA. VIETNAMESE GIRLS giggle)
LUKE Gag her …
FIONA Hey, what’s happening. I’m with you guys. We’re on your side. Put me down. I’ll scream. Luke!!! Help!!
(SHE is gagged)
TROUT O.K. B-Company. Get your weapons out and fire up in front of primary target.
SUGAR By height or by length?
HERBIE Melvin oughta go first.
TROUT Right. Melvin, my friend, you know where to put it?
MELVIN I’ve had intercourse before. Two hundred and fifteen times. I’m married.
TROUT Then you take her, Luke. Hell, it’s your party.
LUKE I’m pleased and touched by your generous offer but I had enough in Japan to last me almost a week and the average man ten years and seeing as how I’ve had my pleasure with her many a time …
HERBIE Come on, Luke, hurry up.
SUGAR Show her the ropes ‘fore I burst a vessel …
(THEY have dragged LUKE to FIONA)
LUKE(Rage) I told you I don’t want to.
(HE storms out. ALL stand silently. MELVIN exits. So does REMUS)
BROWN What got into him all of a sudden?
MEAT LOAF Never mind what got into him. Look what’s getting into her.

(RAPE – BLACKOUT)

END OF SCENE 4

ACT I Scene 5

A clearing.

LUKE sits alone, smoking a joint and gazing at a wallet snapshot of FIONA. HE rips it up. Enter MELVIN, shyly.

MELVIN Hello.
LUKE What do you want?
MELVIN I just wanted to talk to you. I’m Melvin Glutz. I’m new.
LUKE Take a walk, Melvin.
MELVIN You’re upset, right? I noticed back there in the hooch the way you let the guys rape your old girlfriend …
LUKE What’s it to you?
MELVIN I thought it might be significant.
LUKE(Suddenly angry) Me and her were engaged for six years and she wouldn’t let me get inside her pants once, not once, and now when I’m ready to make her Mrs. Number One she tells me I’m nothing. Luke Byson Jr. nothing!!!
MELVIN That’s not the problem. Superficially, yes, maybe, but we’re dealing here with a much deeper anxiety state … perhaps related in some way to sex …
LUKE(Stunned) How did you figure that out?
MELVIN What is it? Failing potency?
LUKE No, nothing like that. It’s just I can’t get a hard-on any more.
MELVIN I thought so.
LUKE Hey, how did you know? Is it showing?
MELVIN Only to the trained eye. I did psychology at Princeton. I’d say your problem is an expression of some deep fear of your role as a natural leader operating in a group structure where sexual potency is the critical status factor.
LUKE Jesus. I used to think all that psychology was a lot of cock.
MELVIN Ah … cock. You see.
LUKE I gotta hand it to you, four-eyes. You got a lot of smarts.
MELVIN Yeah, I’ve got a lot of smarts all right. Only trouble is I’m a creep. Melvin Glutz, ass-hole. I’m sick of being so brainy. I want to do things. I want to lead. I want to be looked up to. I want to radiate confidence and strength and brutality.
(Stopping)
Jesus, where did that come from? Sorry.
LUKE You really are a creep.
MELVIN(Intense) Could I have a piece of your clothing?
LUKE Beat it!
MELVIN(Backing off) I’m just trying to help …
(As MELVIN exits, UNCLE REMUS enters, as if it were timed. Could be a short snip of Oriental music here. Clean set of clothes)
REMUS Pssssst … Rook!
(LUKE grabs his rifle and empties it into UNCLE REMUS who falls, blood bespattered and dead. LUKE realizes who it is)
LUKE Oh, it’s you. I’m sorry.
REMUS Only me. You not look happy tonight. Got problem, mebbee? Yes? Soldier boy, home far away. Think of woman sometimes but sword of warrior not rise.
LUKE What?
REMUS Not get hard-on. Bad news.
LUKE Is there anyone around who doesn’t know about it yet?
REMUS We very ancient country. Very wise people. See many problem. Know many solution.
LUKE Are you saying you can cure me?
(UNCLE REMUS claps and NIN HUA, a beautiful Vietnamese, enters. SHE stands bashfully)
REMUS You like?
NIN HUA Not be afraid, soldier boy. I am Nin Hua. Mean ‘One Tear Fall.’
LUKE You speak English.
NIN HUA Sister Liz-bett teach me.
LUKE(With effort) … Nin Hua …
NIN HUA Not must speak. Father tell me everything.
LUKE He’s your father … ?
NIN HUA When young man lose power of sword, must wait for full moon and bring him virgin that is youngest of three daughters. Look … moon full …
LUKE And you …
NIN HUA(Nods) I please soldier boy? Yes …
(THEY embrace passionately. LUKE stops)
Not please soldier boy …
LUKE Oh, you please me all right. It’s just, in my country we don’t make out with our parents watching …
NIN HUA What mean ’make out?’
LUKE This. What we’re doing.
NIN HUA Ah. In our country is saying … ‘If sun not watch flowers, they not bloom. If father not watch daughter, she not bloom.’
LUKE Oh, Nin Hua …
(LUKE holds her hand tightly to his cheek)
NIN HUA You like again …
LUKE I like again …

SONG: Duet with LUKE and NIN HUA

(Song swells to huge climax. THEY embrace. UNCLE REMUS circles behind LUKE, draws out a vicious dagger and stabs him several times in the back. LUKE falls dead. REMUS whisks NIN HUA away. Alone on stage, SHE kneels by LUKE, grabs one of his ears, wipes her knife blade, and smiles)

REMUS Fifty ‘em you. Two ear me.
(Before SHE can cut the ear, FIONA enters, disheveled from the rape and moaning)
Holy shit.
(REMUS freezes. FIONA walks right by without noticing her and sits on whatever there is to sit on. It seems that the coast is clear, so REMUS tries to exit again. This time MELVIN runs on and makes REMUS freeze)
MELVIN Miss Markham. Miss Markham …
FIONA O.K. I humiliated you. You humiliated me. We’re even. Now let’s call it off while we’re both ahead.
MELVIN I think the men were overcompensating, ma’am, and I just know they’re going to have a massive guilt complex tomorrow morning when they realize what they’ve done.
(REMUS is pinned to the spot, trapped on stage)
FIONA Oh come off it, Luke Byson. Don’t try to impress me with all those big words any more. I’m hip to that game. That gang bang was a dirty trick, plain and simple and you know it.
MELVIN Luke Byson. I’m not … I don’t understand.
FIONA Of course you don’t understand. How could you? You’re not a woman. I wouldn’t even expect you to know what it’s like to be taken by force, stripped naked, gagged and bound with your legs wide apart while a whole company of sex crazy soldiers did their thing with you, one after another after ano …
(Stops. Her eyes grow wide. SHE gasps)
MELVIN What’s the matter?
FIONA(Concealing it) Nothing.
(SHE starts breathing heavily.
TROUT, MEAT LOAF and a few other soldiers come in but MELVIN holds them back with an urgent wave of the hand. REMUS is -- once again -- prevented from exiting. The MEN creep on slowly and overhear FIONA, who isn’t aware of them)
MELVIN What is it?
FIONA Oh my God. This can’t be. I’m dreaming. Those men. All those men. So many. So many many many many many men in me and I … NO. YES. YES. YES … I LOVED IT … Oh, my God. I LOVED IT.

SONG

TROUT MAMA YOU BETTER WATCH OUT FOR YOUR DAUGHTER
SHE’S GOT THE DEVIL INSIDE OF HER SKIN
WRAPPING HER LEGS ‘ROUND A MOUNTAIN OF SOLDIERS
YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW SHE’S LETTIN’ THEM IN

MAMA YOU BETTER WATCH OUT FOR YOUR DAUGHTER
SHE’S RUNNING WILD IN THE TROPICAL SUN
LEADING HER ARMY ALL OVER THE JUNGLE
LOOK AT HER CALLING THEM,
SEE HOW THEY, SEE HOW THEY, SEE HOW THEY … COME!

(Repeat Verse One)

MAMA YOU BETTER WATCH OUT FOR YOUR DAUGHTER

FIONA I BEEN GRABBED BY THE ROOTS
I BEEN RIPPED RIGHT OUT OF THE GROUND
I BEEN THROWN IN THE OCEAN
AND LEFT ALL ALONE TO DROWN.

I’ve BEEN TOSSED AND I BEEN TURNED
FROM MY STEM RIGHT DOWN TO MY STERN
AND THEN SLAMMED BY A TIDAL WAVE,
SMACK UP AGAINST THE SHORE
WHAT CAN I SAY?
MEN WHAT CAN SHE SAY?
FIONA WHAT CAN I SAY?
MEN WHAT CAN SHE SAY?
FIONA GIVE ME MORE …

MEN MAMA YOU BETTER WATCH OUT FOR YOUR DAUGHTER
SHE’S RUNNING WILD IN THE TROPICAL SUN
LEADING HER ARMY ALL OVER THE JUNGLE
LOOK AT HER CALLING THEM
SEE HOW THEY, SEE HOW THEY, SEE HOW THEY … COME!

(Music shifts to talking blues riffs)

FIONA MAMA ALWAYS TOLD ME THERE WAS SAFETY IN NUMBERS
SHE FORGOT TO TELL ME HOW MUCH FUN THERE WAS
LOOKS LIKE I CAN’T COUNT ON MAMA ANY MORE
I’M ON MY OWN
GONNA TAKE ALL THE LOCKS OFF MY DOORS
LIGHT THE CANDLES, WAX THE FLOORS
YOU HEAR MY NEON SIGN HISSING AT NIGHT AND YOU KNOW I’M HERE
AND EVERYTHING’S GONNA BE ALL RIGHT.
I DON’T HAVE TO TELL YOU WHAT TO DO.
YOU GOT SOMETHING NICE FOR ME.
I GOT SOMETHING NICE FOR YOU …

MEN MAMA YOU BETTER WATCH OUT FOR YOUR DAUGHTER
SHE’S GOT THE DEVIL INSIDE OF HER SKIN
LEADING HER ARMY ALL OVER THE JUNGLE
LOOK AT HER CALLING THEM,
SEE HOW THEY, SEE HOW THEY, SEE HOW THEY … COME!

ACT I Scene 6

Dillon’s office.

DILLON and PRICE are playing ping-pong on a large table that is set up in the office. DILLON, as lights come up, slams, misses. A VIETNAMESE immediately returns the ball, flicking his wrist to show the proper wrist action for a slam.

PRICE Zero, nine.
(MADDOX marches in smugly followed by GENERAL EASTACRE, an elderly, neat, and precise gentleman. MEAT LOAF and BROWN have been following them. When they get to the edge of the stage, BROWN restrains MEAT LOAF with an arm and THEY both withdraw off-stage to await developments)
MADDOX Sir! General Eastacre, liaison to military affairs in Saigon.
EASTACRE You’re the Commanding Officer of Camp Sally.
DILLON Yes, sir.
(EASTACRE thrusts a newspaper into his hands)
What’s this?
EASTACRE They’re called ‘newspapers’, Major. Note the feature article on the front page. The one headlined ‘Camp Silly.’ Now, the reference is not blindingly subtle, Major, nor are the things which it claims are going on here daily calculated to inspire awe and respect among the general reading public. Frankly, I don’t give a fifty horse-power hoot whether what it says about this place is true or not, though God save your poor lost soul if it is. I just want to know who the hell this woman is, the one that calls herself Ms. Scoop, and I want to know where and how she got her information. Well?
DILLON Price, do you know anything about this?
EASTACRE I’m addressing my questions to you, Major.
DILLON(Thinking) There were some reporters down here, but that was weeks ago …
(Sudden realization)
Price, what happened to Fiona Markham?
PRICE Don’t know, sir.
EASTACRE What the hell kind of an outfit are you running down here anyway? Don’t you know what goes on in your own camp?
MADDOX Sir, the problems on this base go a lot deeper than this article suggests … if I may …
EASTACRE Well?
MADDOX One: Discipline on and off base. Two: extensive use of drugs among enlisted men. Three: fornication with the indigenous population with resultant pregnancies and veneral disease. Four: black market operations on an extensive scale with suspected Viet Cong and Viet Cong sympathizers. Five: general lack of respect for the rules, regulations, and traditions of the United States Army with a parallel drop in morale and sense of purpose. Now I believe this is all a conscientious and highly-planned Viet Cong program. I believe that Charlie is not only moving reely in the hamlet, I believe he has penetrated inside the base and that our men are dealing with him daily, whether knowingly or otherwise. That’s all.
EASTACRE Those are pretty serious charges, Lieutenant.
MADDOX I’m aware of that fact, sir.
EASTACRE Major?
DILLON(In trance) She’s been hiding here all this time?
EASTACRE Major, I am talking to you.
MADDOX I think he’s having one of his episodes, sir.
EASTACRE What?
MADDOX He just drifts off. Daydreams. Some of the more irresponsible officers have expressed reservations about his fitness for command, but of course I …
(EASTACRE has been looking carefully at DILLON)
EASTACRE Major, were you a corporal in the last war? 83rd Engineers, South Pacific?
DILLON Yes …
EASTACRE Green Beach? Kuralei, second wave?
DILLON Why yes.
EASTACRE ‘Dreamy’ Dillon. I didn’t recognize you. It’s me. Chet.
DILLON Chet ‘Grinder’ Eastacre? Hardnuts? The milk run?
EASTACRE Yeah, yeah, it’s me.
DILLON Grinder Eastacre. What are you doing here?
EASTACRE Oh, another war, you know. You remember that crazy dame at Greasy Wongs?
DILLON Never mind her. What about her sister?!!!
EASTACRE Those were the days, eh …

SONG

EASTACRE and DILLON YADDE YADDE HEY
BY CHRIST
BY DAMN
BY JINGO WHAT A WAR
BY HECK
BY HELL
BY DINGO GIVE ME
JUST ONE MORE LIKE THE ONE BACK IN FOURTY-FOUR
JUST ONE MORE LIKE THE ONE BACK IN FOURTY-FOUR
JUST ONE MORE LIKE THE ONE BACK IN FOURTY-FOUR
WHAT A WAR
WHAT A WAR
WHAT A WAR
WHAT A WAR
WHAT A WHAT A WHAT A WHAT A WHAT A WHAT A WHAT A WHAT A
YADDE YADDE YADDE YADDE YADDE YADDE

YADDE YADDE HEY
NUDGE NUDGE
WINK WINK
CHUCKLE CHUCKLE WHAT A WAR
YOU BET
LEER LEER
YUCKLE YUCKLE GIVE ME
JUST ONE MORE LIKE THE ONE BACK IN FOURTY-FOUR
JUST ONE MORE LIKE THE ONE BACK IN FOURTY-FOUR
JUST ONE MORE LIKE THE ONE BACK IN FOURTY-FOUR
WHAT A WAR
WHAT A WAR
WHAT A WAR
WHAT A WAR
WHAT A WHAT A WHAT A WHAT A WHAT A WHAT A WHAT A WHAT A
YADDE YADDE YADDE YADDE YADDE YADDE

YADDE YADDE HEY
GEE WHIZ
HOT DAMN
GOLLY JEEPERS WHAT A WAR
BONZAI
MY EYES
JEEPERS CREEPERS GIVE ME
JUST ONE MORE LIKE THE ONE BACK IN FOURTY-FOUR
JUST ONE MORE LIKE THE ONE BACK IN FOURTY-FOUR
JUST ONE MORE LIKE THE ONE BACK IN FOURTY-FOUR
WHAT A WAR
WHAT A WAR
WHAT A WAR
WHAT A WAR
WHAT A WHAT A WHAT A WHAT A WHAT A WHAT A WHAT A WHAT A
YADDE YADDE YADDE YADDE YADDE YADDE YADDE YADDE
WAR

DILLON A NAP IN THE SUNSHINE
EASTACRE A NAP IN THE SUNSHINE
DILLON A DIP IN THE OCEAN
EASTACRE A DIP IN THE OCEAN
PRICE AN HOUR OR TWO OF COMBAT
EASTACRE, DILLON COMBAT?
PRICE AND THEN BACK FOR PROMOTION
EASTACRE, DILLON AAAH!
I’D LIKE TO CALL THOSE JAPS AND ASK
I’D LIKE TO CALL THOSE JAPS AND ASK
HEY BOYS WELL HAVE YOU GOT THE TIME
TO FIGHT ANOTHER WAR LIKE THAT WITH US
JUST FOR AULD LANG SYNE

(Repeat first verses)

OH WHAT AN UPROARIOUS
OH WHAT A TOTALLY GLORIOUS
THE FUEHRER HE WAS FUEHRIOUS
AND WE WERE SO VICTORIOUS
WAAAAAAAR!!!!!!

(As the song ends, both DILLON and EASTACRE are suddenly embarrassed at the outburst of emotion and try to re-establish soldierly bearing)

EASTACRE Major, between you, me, and the wall, this article is probably just another pile of cowflop from the left wing press, but it has caused us a certain amount of embarrassment up in Saigon. So, ah, try to get me the dope on this reporter. And, tighten up your operation … for old time’s sake.
DILLON(Firm) Lieutenant, why don’t you get moving on that. Right away.
MADDOX(Off guard) Me? Ah, yes, sir.
EASTACRE Hey-hey-hey, ‘Dreamy’, how about a drink?
DILLON Right this way, ‘Grinder.’
(THEY exit together, whooping it up. MADDOX looks sour. PRICE is smiling)
MADDOX Am I missing a joke, Sergeant?
PRICE No, sir. Will that be all, sir … ?
MADDOX No, that will not be all, Price. I want to you have all the men assembled on parade ground B. Detail a few men to search the base for drugs and burn them publicly. Any questions?
PRICE No, sir … Well, yes, sir … Why all the fuss?
MADDOX You are not going to believe this, but there are still people in this army who believe in discipline …
PRICE Oh, sure, I know that …
MADDOX(Yelling) You do not question an order from a superior officer. You stand at attention and you salute him and you address him as SIR!!! Now hop to it.
PRICE Yes, SIR!!!!

(PRICE exits. At the edge of the stage, outside DILLON’s office, HE runs into MEAT LOAF and BROWN. In dumb show PRICE says ’thumbs-down-to-Maddox.’ BROWN nods that HE’s understood. PRICE exits and BROWN nudges MEAT LOAF forward. Meanwhile MADDOX has been looking around to make sure HE’s alone. When HE’s sure HE is, HE smiles a creepy smile and:

INTRODUCTION MUSIC

This is built to look like it’s going to be a zippy ‘Latin-type’ song about MADDOX getting some control. HE leaps up on the ping-pong table.

At this moment MEAT LOAF chucks the grenade. The introduction music swells to the true beginning of the song just as MADDOX sees the grenade. MEAT LOAF and BROWN hit the deck. Blackout.
Explosion)

ACT I Scene 7

Supply Grounds.

HERBIE, TROUT, MELVIN, SUGAR, MEAT LOAF are sitting on boxes, looking in the direction of an off-stage fire.

SUGAR That must be near a thousand bucks worth of dope in that bonfire.
HERBIE I can’t look, I can’t look.
MEAT LOAF These goons come into the barracks just when I was shooting up and they yanked the needle right out of this vein I’d been saving all week.

TROUT I don’t get it. We gave Maddox a one-way ticket. So where are these orders coming from?
SUGAR Hey, Luke, we can’t let them get away with this.
MELVIN(Pause) I’m not Luke.
(A sudden burst of moans and shouts from behind the boxes. The MEN hardly seem to notice. All eyes are still on the bonfire. HERBIE turns casually to TROUT)
HERBIE You’re next, Trout.
(TROUT rises and unbuttons his pants as the shouting dies down. BROWNIE emerges from behind the boxes buttoning his pants. HE’s shaking his head, exhausted. HE gives TROUT a good luck look. FIONA’s head pops up)
FIONA Come on, come on, next. What’s the matter with you guys?
(TROUT disappears behind boxes)
TROUT At least Maddox ain’t gonna be giving any more orders.
(JOE runs on. HE has a sheet of paper)
JOE Hey, heroes, have you seen this new list of regulations? It’s unbelievable. Until further notice; no off-base privileges, no R&R, no canteen privileges, seven o‘clock curfew …
HERBIE It’s a mistake, right? It’s gotta be a mistake. We better let Dillon in on what’s happening.
SUGAR What if they’re Dillon’s orders?
BROWN Sugar, were you born stupid or do you practice?
HERBIE Come on, come on, what are we gonna do about this, Luke?
MELVIN(Exactly like LUKE) No sweat, brethren. We just lay low and keep our heads down in the tall grass till the turds fly south for winter.
(MELVIN double-takes at what HE has just said. HE has used LUKE’s gestures and speech mannerisms and can’t figure out how it happened)
Hey!
MEAT LOAF No dope till further notice! I can’t do it. Gotta have a fix, gotta have it, gotta have it …
(Without forethought, MELVIN grabs MEAT LOAF and calms him down)
MELVIN Cool it, Meat. Cool it. Cool it.
(MEAT LOAF calms to a whimper)
BROWN The man’s right though, Luke. What happens if them regulations last a couple months?
SUGAR We’ll all go crazy.
HERBIE You ain’t got far to go, Sugar.
MELVIN(As LUKE) The trouble with you guys is you don’t use your loaf. Dillon ain’t dumb. He’s crazy, but he ain’t dumb. He ain’t gonna stand around and watch his men crack up without doing something about it. So don’t worry. O.K.?
(Another burst of screams behind the boxes. HERBIE rises and undoes his pants)
HERBIE I’m next.
MELVIN Who’s next?
HERBIE Me.
MELVIN Who’s next?
HERBIE Go ahead, if you want to.
MELVIN Smile, hero, I’ll leave you the bones.
(TROUT comes out. FIONA’s head pops up)
FIONA Next. Oh, Luke, hurry, I’m so into this.
MELVIN And there ain’t gonna be a next after I’m finished.
(HE ducks behind boxes with FIONA)
SUGAR So what do we do till the regulations change?
BROWN Just keep smiling, Sugar. Know what I mean?
(The MEN all immediately catch on)
TROUT Yeah.
HERBIE Right.
MEAT LOAF O.K.
BROWN(Innocently) Get a letter from home this week, Sugar.
SUGAR(Defensive) Yeah.
BROWN You gonna let us hear it?
ALL Yeah, read the letter. Yeah, come on, Sugar, be a sport.
(Etc.)
SUGAR(Shyly taking out his letter and reading) O.K. Dear boy. Things are O.K. Here and you? The big news last week was your no account brother. He’s been up to his mischief again and he went to church Sunday last in his uniform what he kept when he got home from the army last year and a shotgun which he blasted that good Pastor Mandeville and a good portion of the congregation to smithereens. He’s the limit. That’s all except oh yeah and brace yerself for this one ‘cause your wife run off with that Frank feller from up McKinley’s Creek way, but she weren’t much good anyhow and you only knewed her a week or two so don’t pay it no mind. Keep yer nose clean. Your loving ma.
(The MEN are all hysterical with laughter. Then the mood wears off)
BROWN My wife ran off last month.
TROUT I ain’t heard from mine since April.
HERBIE Mine took the baby with her.

SONG: “MORE THAN YOU DESERVE”

MEAT LOAF FROM THE VERY FIRST MOMENT I SAW YOU
I KNEW OUR LOVE WOULD BE SO STRONG
AND THE VERY FIRST MOMENT I KISSED YOU
I KNEW OUR JOY WOULD LAST SO LONG

THEN I SAW YOU MAKING LOVE TO MY BEST FRIEND
I DIDN’T KNOW WHATEVER TO SAY
I SAW YOU MAKING LOVE TO MY BEST FRIEND
SO I LOOKED HIM RIGHT IN THE EYES AND I SAID

LISTEN BOY

WON’T YOU TAKE SOME MORE IT’S WHAT YOU CAME FOR
DON’T MIND ME I WON’T THROW YOU NO CURVES
HAVE YOURSELF A BALL WITH MY GOOD WOMAN
WON’T YA TAKE SOME MORE BOY, IT’S MORE THAN YOU DESERVE.

NOW I THINK I’M GONNA HAVE TO LEAVE YOU
BECAUSE I’M FEELING MUCH TO WEAK TO SHARE
AND THE PIE IS CUT TOO MANY PIECES
THE FLAVOR THAT I CRAVE IS NO LONGER THERE

THEN I SAW YOU MAKING LOVE TO TWO OF MY BEST FRIENDS
I DIDN’T KNOW WHATEVER TO SAY
I SAW YOU MAKING LOVE TO A GROUP OF MY BEST FRIENDS
SO I LOOKED THEM RIGHT IN THEIR EYES AND I SAID

LISTEN GROUP

(Repeat chorus.

As the song ends, PRICE comes on carrying new orders)

PRICE What are you doing here, gang? You’re supposed to be rounding up all the gooks on base.
HERBIE Why?
PRICE For interrogation.
(Slyly)
They killed Maddox, right? Haven’t you seen the new orders? They were posted over forty-five seconds ago. Come on, come on, get moving.
TROUT What’s the story?
PRICE The old man’s putting two and two together and he’s getting 5-1/2, that’s the story. See that bonfire? Dillon confirmed the order. Those regulations; Dillon. The new order. Right again.
(HE wiggles his finger near his temple and does an eerie whistle, meaning, ‘Dillon’s flipped’)
So you guys better straighten up and fly right. Rustle up some gooks toot sweet, double time, hip-hup-hip-hup. And where’s Fiona?
(The MEN all shrug)
Well find her. The Major knows she’s here, and he ain’t happy about it. MOVE!!!!
TROUT Hey, Price, cut it out. You’re talking to the guys.
PRICE And I’m telling you, if you don’t move quick … be it on your own head. I only work here.
(HE exits. As he does so, MELVIN emerges. FIONA’s head pops up)
FIONA What’s the matter with you, Luke?
(BROWN is still thinking about PRICE)
BROWN Hot damn, did you hear that Luke?
(MELVIN is staggering forward, looking at his open fly. HE is shaking his head in confusion)
MELVIN(To himself) This is more serious than I thought.

(HE looks up to heaven beseechingly.

Fade)

END OF SCENE 7

ACT I Scene 8

In darkness we hear screams. Lights up on DILLON sitting at his desk reading the newspaper. The off-stage screams distract him.

DILLON Price.
PRICE(Entering instantly) Sir!
DILLON What’s all that noise?
PRICE It’s the gooks, sir. They’re being interrogated.
DILLON Under whose orders?
PRICE Yours, sir.
DILLON Oh. Well, tell them to keep it down. It’s late and I can’t hear myself think.
PRICE I don’t think they mean to be making all that racket, sir. It’s a reflex.
DILLON Then turn on the radio or something.
(PRICE turns on the radio. It plays “More Than You Deserve”)
PRICE Sir, if I were you, I wouldn’t keep reading that article. It’s just making you upset.
DILLON(Can’t hear) What?
PRICE(Yelling) I said I wouldn’t keep reading that article because it’s just making you upset.
DILLON(Yelling) You’re damn right it’s making me upset and if you were in my shoes you’d be upset too and you know why you’d be upset?
PRICE No, sir.
DILLON Because this article tells the truth. Every word of it. You know it. The men know it. Even Maddox knew it, may he rest in peace. In fact, it’s news to one person only. Me. The Commanding Officer. Now doesn’t that sound fishy to you, Price? Doesn’t that sound like somebody hasn’t been telling somebody something they should be telling somebody?
PRICE Oh, I don’t know, sir.
DILLON(Can’t hear) What?!
(HE bangs on the radio as HE says this and it stops abruptly, leaving PRICE yelling into the silence)
PRICE YES, SIR.
(Pause, quietly)
I mean, no sir. What was the question, sir?
(Enter MEAT LOAF and SUGAR with FIONA held between them)
Here she is, sir.
SUGAR We found her hiding in some bushes.
MEAT LOAF Bushes?
FIONA Tell your goons to get their clammy hands off me.
DILLON I want a word with Miss Markham. In private. You can go now, men.
(MEAT LOAF and SUGAR salute and exit, followed by PRICE)
FIONA All right. So I have to go back to Saigon. But you can’t stop me from finishing my series.
DILLON You’ve been here all this time?
FIONA Yes.
DILLON And this is your article?
FIONA Yes.
DILLON I wish I’d known you were here. I missed you. It gets kind of lonely running a base this size.
FIONA(Withering) I’m sure it must be just awful for you.
DILLON Do you realize how much embarrassment that article caused me?
FIONA Major, your men are torturing three Vietnamese no more than fifty feet away from here, tearing strips of skin off their bodies, running 240 volts through their balls, driving razors under their fingernails, and you’re upset because I’ve embarrassed you? Well, tough shit, Major, because I’m going to keep embarrassing you until the very last American soldier is on his way home.
DILLON That’s not journalism. That’s politics.
FIONA Politics click journalism. Woman click man. Us click them. Duty click love. Define it. Slice it up. Put it in a plastic bag and shove it away in a closet. You’re pathetic, Major.
DILLON I try to run a tight outfit. I’ve done everything I could to win the hearts and minds of the slopes in the hamlet. It really hurts me that you disapprove of the way I run my program. But it hurts even more that you seem to disapprove of me personally.
FIONA I’m sorry, Major. But you’re a pig. You’re one of them. And you’re a hypocritical pig. You’re the kind that goes to church and prays and says ’thou shalt not kill’ and ’do unto others as you would have them do unto you’ and then …
(A volley of screams from the Vietnamese)
You practice what you preach. It’s funny. When I first met you, I thought I’d underestimated you. But now I don’t think that’s possible. You’re far worse than anything I could imagine about you. Goodbye, Major.
(SHE exits)
DILLON(Yells after her) FIONA!
(But SHE’s gone.
Softly)
Fiona.
(A snatch of “CHANGING, CHANGING” plays. When it gets to the appropriate part, DILLON sings)
I’M BEGINNING TO SEE
I’M BEGINNING TO SEE
I’M BEGINNING TO SEE …
(The music stops abruptly, leaving DILLON tense with excitement.
Spoken)
Do unto others as … you …
(He picks up intercom phone. Dials)
Get me the rumpus room. Dillon here. Major Dillon, in case somebody forgot to tell you, soldier, I’m the commanding officer of Camp Sally and I’m issuing an order which I want carried out with the speed of light. Release those three gooks immediately. Er, people. Vietnamese people. Because, soldier, they are human beings like you and me, and from now on we are going to treat them that way, like people, with dignity, with respect with love … soldier!!!?
(The guy at the other end has hung up but DILLON is not deterred. HE replaces the receiver, beaming. The offstage screams stop)
I see it all now. It’s so simple. Fiona.
(HE starts to run out and collides with PRICE who is running in)
Price, find Fiona for me as fast as you can and tell her …
PRICE(Breathless) Sir, she just left … in a helicopter.
DILLON Well, radio the pilot to come back.
PRICE She is the pilot, sir.
DILLON What?
PRICE She requisitioned a helicopter, a Huey, sir, full rig, and aced it out of here like she was one of the Blue Angels. DILLON She’s at the controls?
PRICE Heading straight for Saigon.
DILLON What a woman, Price. What a woman!! No, much more than that.
(HE smiles, shakes his head in admiration, looks symbolically at the ceiling, addressing Fiona)
Good for you, Fiona. Good for you.
(And He salutes her playfully. PRICE is watching all this with some concern)
Come on, Price. We have work to do.
PRICE Work?
(DILLON fixes PRICE with a heavy, significant look)
DILLON Do unto others …
(PRICE pretends to understand. HE smiles. DILLON thinks HE’s broken through. HE smiles)
You’re a good man, Price.
(HE exits. PRICE is concerned)
PRICE A good man. Uh-oh.
(PRICE exits slowly. Thoughtfully)

ACT I Scene 9

Interscene.

Some boxes. HERBIE, TROUT, MELVIN, SUGAR, and MEAT LOAF are shooting dice. JOE runs on.

MELVIN Seven come eleven. Sweet baby, come on …
JOE I’m in this one!
HERBIE What are you looking so happy about?
JOE Something mucho exceptional is happening at H.Q. We were half way through giving those slopes holy Christmas over in the rumpus room when word comes in -- directly from heaven -- Dillon -- says release the gooks.
SUGAR Release ‘em? We just busted our balls catching them!
TROUT(To SUGAR) What balls?
HERBIE Then you were right, Luke. Things are happening already just like you said.
MELVIN Of course, brethren. Why else would they call me the smartest man in the universe? So where are they?
JOE Who?
MELVIN The gooks, sweetheart, the gooks.
JOE Brownie’s dumping ‘em in the southwest field … I think …
MELVIN What’s the matter with you, meathead? Gooks don’t grow on trees. What are you throwing them out for? They weren’t dead …
JOE No, but …
MELVIN Come on, gang … salvage time.
(THEY all go off. Music begins)

ACT I Scene 10

Lights up on a well. BROWNIE wheels on a cart with 3 VIETNAMESE, bloody and battered from the torture. HE dumps them in a tub of water.

BROWNIE You guys were saved by the bell. Ten more minutes of interrogation and you’d’ve been headed for the big rice paddy in the sky … sweet dreams …
(HE exits.
Music builds. The VIETNAMESE revive and look around. THEY wash each other in the tub)
VIETNAMESE 3 All safe now.
VIETNAMESE 1 Oh, I hurt all over.
VIETNAMESE 3 Never mind. Pain go away soon.
VIETNAMESE 2 Sing to us, Ninh Dong.
VIETNAMESE 3 Rater, mebbee.
VIETNAMESE 1 No, no, please, now.
VIETNAMESE 3 You always so impatient.

SONG: “ALL WILL BE, WILL BE, WILL BE WELL”

(Tableau at the end of song. MEN charge out of the wings and grab the VIETNAMESE in a shuffle. Good natured. Each VIETNAMESE is grabbed by two G.I.’s, hands and feet. On signal, the G.I.’s swing and throw the VIETNAMESE. MELVIN stands up on the well. Maybe carnival music behind)

MELVIN All right, all right, all right, sports fans, the stadium is packed and the players are in place. For the final round of the Camp Sally Restriction Time Triple Crown Finals. Are you ready, heroes? Are you set? A-one-a-two-a-three.
(On three, THEY throw the VIETNAMESE. HERBIE-TROUT team wins)
HERBIE That’s us. We win.
TROUT We could’ve won with yours …
SUGAR Oh, yeah? …
(PRICE enters quickly)
PRICE Yakkee takkee hie. Know what that means? It means ‘look sharp’ in gook talk. Uncle Dreamy’s headed this way.
MELVIN Price, what’s the skoobie-doo from upstairs?
PRICE Wait’ll you hear the new orders, heroes. In two months you’re all gonna be eating, sleeping, and dreaming in gook. Ten-shut.
(MEN stand at attention as DILLON enters in conical hat standing with VIETNAMESE at his feet)
DILLON Have you men been gook-lobbing again?
MEAT LOAF Ain’t no rule against that, is there?
DILLON Have you ever stopped to consider that these things you’re so carelessly tossing around are human beings? Like you. Like me.
HERBIE We know what you mean, sir.
SUGAR Hell, we was only having a little fun.
DILLON I have nothing against a little fun, soldier. I often have fun myself, but from now on, we’ll have to find recreation that doesn’t involve bodily damage to any goo – Vietnamese human beings …
(REMUS appears, smiling. All turn to her. SHE senses danger and runs)
Hey, you, stop!
(REMUS falls as if SHE’s been hit in the back with a bullet. SHE feels her back. No blood. SHE rises)
REMUS Why you not shoot me? What happening? DILLON We no more shoot you. We no more torture you. No lob no more.
REMUS What him saying?
(PRICE speaks quickly to REMUS, who looks amazed. DILLON continues to MEN)
DILLON All right, men, here’s the rest of the picture. All restrictions are lifted, and what you do with your own time is your own business as long as you’re ready for duty in the morning.
(UNCLE REMUS approaches DILLON with awe. Other three VIETNAMESE are rising. REMUS chatters something briefly to them and they look amazed and gather around DILLON)
Any questions?
TROUT Yes, sir, what’s happening?
(Music starts playing, ‘Hymn of the Republic’ type music. DILLON speaks over this)
DILLON Changes are happening, soldier. We’re going to start fighting this war the way it was meant to be fought. No more violence. No more blind senseless hatred. But love and understanding. Patience and restraint. No more ‘if you got ‘em by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow’ but instead ’show me where you would go and I will take your hand and go there with you’ … Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. That’s the meaning of the new war. It’s a whole new ball game …
(The Hymn music ends abruptly. DILLON tries to prod the MEN)
Yaddle yaddle.
(MEN stand confused. VIETNAMESE reply)
VIETNAMESE Yaddle yaddle.
(DILLON turns to them)
DILLON Yaddle yaddle.
VIETNAMESE Yaddle yaddle.
DILLON and VIETNAMESE Yaddle yaddle.
(To MEN)
Yaddle yaddle.
MEN Yaddle yaddle …
(This exchange builds and builds into a REPRISE of:

SONG: “WHAT A WAR”

(The number is done up into a huge finale. But the music and singing stop one chord short of resolution, with the cast in a tableau, leaving a suspended feeling … so the audience will flock back for more)

END ACT I

ACT II Scene 1

Interscene.

Stage set up for DILLON’s office. The CAST is arranged on the stage in tableau exactly as per the end of Act I. In darkness, music swells to last chords of “WHAT A WAR.” When THEY reach the last chord:

Lights snap onto tableau. CAST sings last chord of song.

Pause.

Blackout.

ACT II Scene 2

DILLON’s office.

PRICE stands in the darkness, unseen. Spotlights on FIONA and DILLON at opposite sides of stage, facing each other, arms outstretched.

Tremolo in music.

DILLON(Breathless) You came …
FIONA(Breathless) Yes …
DILLON(Breathless) Four months. I’ve missed you …
FIONA(Breathless) Oh, Micky, I thought I’d die without you. (The lights suddenly snap on. There is a large model on the table covered with a cloth. FIONA is her old self again)
So what’s all this about, Major, and make it snappy ‘cause I have to be back in Saigon by six tonight.
DILLON I asked you to come down because I wanted you to see something. Something for which, in a sense, you can claim credit. Would you close your eyes?
FIONA Are you serious?
DILLON Please. For me.
(FIONA closes her eyes)
(Throws back the cover on the model)
You can look now.
(FIONA takes it in)
FIONA What is it?
DILLON It’s a model of Toc Te Chu Hong Moi. That means ‘City of Hope’ in Vietnamese. We’re all learning to speak it.
FIONA What’s going on here, Major?
DILLON(Excited) Look, these are the split level ranch houses all around the outside. Shopping complex, sports facilities, industrial zone.
FIONA Wait a minute, you’ve lost me, Major. For a second there I thought you were considering actually building something like this …
DILLON We’ve started already. Right out there in the hamlet. By the way, this is off the record. No articles. You see, high command doesn’t really know about it yet and I don’t want them to find out until I have something finished functioning to show them. If they haven’t got living evidence, they’ll never accept my idea … our idea …
FIONA(Laughing) You’re doing all this behind their back …
DILLON(Serious) Someone has to assume responsibility for a change. Do unto others. You said it yourself …
FIONA No, no, don’t apologize. I love it. I love it.
(SHE’s eating up the thought of someone ripping off the army like that. DILLON thinks SHE’s approving the plan)
DILLON I’m glad you like it, Fiona, because we’re calling it Operation Markham. Naturally I’m doing this for the people of the village, but … oh, hell, I’m no good with words. Price, can I have a moment alone with Miss Markham?
(PRICE starts out. JOE enters. PRICE stays)
JOE Excuse me, sir. Two Vietnamese human beings outside to see you.
(HE sees FIONA)
DILLON Show them in, right away.
JOE(Smiling) Fiona! What are you doing here? You gonna be around for a while?
DILLON Soldier!
JOE Sir!
(HE salutes and exits, whistles, re-enters almost immediately with UNCLE REMUS and a contingent of VIETNAMESE. JOE exits)
REMUS My people have present for special major.
(A VIETNAMESE comes forward with flowers, presents them to DILLON)
VIETNAMESE Thank you special major. We very … sad …
REMUS HAPPY.
VIETNAMESE Happy. Love you very much.
DILLON Thank you. I mean, com-on-ong. I don’t know what to say. But there is someone here who deserve credit more than me.
(DILLON indicates FIONA. VIETNAMESE gives flowers to FIONA)
VIETNAMESE Thank you special major …
(REMUS immediately butts in)
REMUS Special Miss, we thank you. Daughter not speak English yet. Dillon very wise man. Very good man. Him much better than Rook. Hai.
(REMUS exits with bows, followed by her VIETNAMESE)
DILLON(Moved) They’re such wonderful, generous people when you let yourself get to know them.
(JOE enters, running)
JOE Cargo transport just in, sir. You gotta sign for some stuff at the strip.
DILLON I’ll be there right away.
JOE One other thing, sir. Do you really want the stage for the show set up inside Lo Dinh Temple?
DILLON What’s the problem?
JOE The last detail that tried got spooked away by the old priestess who lives up there.
DILLON O.K. I’ll take care of it. Dismissed.
(JOE passes close to FIONA and whispers)
JOE We’re waiting out behind B-mess.
(HE exits rapidly)
DILLON Well. That’s it. If you’d like to stay for a few days, you’re welcome to. I’ll take full responsibility. What I’m trying to say is I’d really love to have you around … for a few more days … at least. May I touch you?
FIONA What?
(Before FIONA can react, DILLON has touched her furtively on the breast)
DILLON I won’t let you down.
(HE starts out. Turns)
Look under the bowling alley.
(HE exits. FIONA stares. PRICE lifts the lid off the bowling alley, takes out a ring box)
FIONA(To herself) Operation Markham …
(PRICE looks at the ring. HE whistles loud and long)
What is it?
PRICE This is the real thing, ma’am. Three of a girl’s best friends on a platinum mount.
(FIONA shakes her head sadly)
FIONA Poor man.
PRICE He’s getting worse every day, ma’am. I’m afraid they’ll find out soon. I’d miss him. Hey, you know, when you took that helicopter out of here, I never thought we’d see you around here again. It sure is nice to have you back.
FIONA Thank you, Sergeant.
PRICE If you don’t mind my asking … why did you come …
FIONA(Offhand) Well, the Major sent a special request to Saigon for me …
PRICE You didn’t have to answer it.
FIONA What’s that supposed to mean?
PRICE Oh, nothing …
FIONA You’re dripping with innuendo, Sergeant. Look, if you have something on your mind, why don’t you come out with it … I’m not falling in love with him, if that’s what you’re thinking.
PRICE Who said anything about love …
FIONA(Bursting) I did!!!
PRICE(Wisely) That’s what I thought …
(FIONA collects herself)
FIONA Sergeant, this is a straightforward human situation. My feelings have nothing to do with it. I happen to have seen a lot of this country in the last few months. And I haven’t found a single officer who tries one tenth as hard to do something genuine for the people here as Micky … Major Dillon. After all, he’s just a man. One man, on his own, trying to salvage something from the collective insanity of an overgrown, covertly imperialistic, military industrial complex …
PRICE Maybe so …
FIONA But he’s stupid. He has no ideas. I can help him. He really needs me, and not for my body either. For my mind. For the person I am. The real me. It’s the first time in my life I’ve really felt needed. And you know what? I like it.

SONG: “TO FEEL SO NEEDED, NOT WANTED BUT NEEDED”

(PRICE is laughing)
FIONA(Yells) I’m singing, Sergeant. (PRICE exits, laughing)
PRICE I pity you …
(FIONA sits and cries. Enter NIN HUA, who sings needed)

NIN HUA TO FEEL SO NEEDED
NOT WANTED, BUT NEEDED
TO BE GREETED WITH SMILES THAT SAY
YOU’RE ALL YOU WANTED TO SEE
IT’S SO NICE TO BE NEEDED
NOT “DESIRED” BUT NEEDED AND
TO KNOW IF HE SUCCEEDED IT WOULD BE BECAUSE OF YOU
HE’S SO VERY VERY ALONE
ALL ALONE ON HIS OWN
AND PERHAPS YOU NEED TO BE NEEDED
AS MUCH AS HE NEEDS TO NEED YOU
NEEDS TO NEED YOU

HE MAY BE KIND OF STRAIGHTISH
SORT OF SLIGHTLY OUT OF DATISH
A LITTLE NINETEEN-FORTY-EIGHTISH
BUT WHAT THE HELL
HE’S STILL THE KIND OF MAN YOU
COULD FANCY STANDING NEAR TO AND
IT’S SO NICE WHEN HE IS HERE BY
YOUR SIDE, WISHING YOU WELL
I SEE A DREAM IN HIS EYES
A GENTLE GLEAM IN HIS EYES
AND SUDDENLY REALIZE …
A GENTLE GLEAM IN HIS EYES
AND SUDDENLY REALIZE …

IT’S ALL SO CLEAR, THE FOG HAS DISAPPEARED
IT’S ALL SO CLEAR, THE FOG HAS DISAPPEARED

TO KNOW YOU’RE NEEDED
NOT “LIKED” BUT NEEDED
TO BE GREETED WITH EYES THAT SAY
YOU’RE ALL YOU WANTED TO SEE
IT’S SO NICE TO BE NEEDED
NOT DESIRED, BUT NEEDED AND TO KNOW
THAT HE’D BE DEFEATED IF YOU DIDN’T SET HIM FREE
IS THERE REALLY REALLY REALLY A CHANCE
MERELY A GHOST OF A CHANCE
THAT PERHAPS YOU NEED TO BE NEEDED
AS MUCH AS HE NEEDS TO NEED YOU
NEEDS TO NEED YOU.

(During the song, DILLON comes in dressed in officer’s white and dances with FIONA … Office opens up and reveals behind the ‘City of Hope’ tableau. At the end of the song it closes and NIN HUA exits leaving FIONA alone … Immediately Oriental music)

ACT II Scene 3

A clearing.

A temporary school has been built in the fresh air. That is, a blackboard, and bare earth. The MEN are all gathered there, sitting on the ground having a Vietnamese lesson. SUGAR is reading a comic. MEAT LOAF is shooting up. TROUT is sharpening his knife. HERBIE is blowing bubbles with his gum. BROWN is smoking a joint.
A pastoral scene. UNCLE REMUS is quietly peddling dope while a VIETNAMESE teaches the MEN.

VIETNAMESE -- MU NAM Chu is this. Chi is that. Chao is those. Choi is these. Chih is them. Cho is their. Cha is that. Chai is this. Now, soldier boy, how is those in Vietnamese?
MELVIN Those?
(Thinking)
… ah … let’s see … ah … chu?
HERBIE Gesundheit.
MELVIN Shaddap.
MU NAM No, soldier boy. Chu is this. Chao is those. Remember always …

SONG

MU NAM CHU IS THIS
CHI IS THAT
CHIH IS THEM
CHO IS THEIR
CHAO IS THOSE
CHOI IS THESE
THAT’S HOW YOU SPEAK VIETNAMESE

MEN THAT’S HOW YOU SPEAK VIETNAMESE
ETC., ETC.

(Song ends)

MU NAM Now, soldier boy … How is this?
MELVIN This? This? Um … chao?
HERBIE Gesundheit.
MELVIN Herbie!
MU NAM You come here, Joe!
MELVIN Luke’s the name, nookie’s the game.
MU NAM Come here, Rook.
(MELVIN goes up to the ‘head of the class’ playing along)
You were very naughty, soldier boy, Rook. Chu is this. Not chao. Chu. Say chu.
MELVIN Chu.
(To HERBIE)
… and don’t you say a word …
MU NAM Now I must make you little punishment so you remember next time.
(SHE slaps him playfully on the hand. It hurts. MEN laugh. MELVIN joins)
Now chu is what?
MELVIN That …
MU NAM This.
(SHE slaps his face, fairly hard)
hr> Chu. Now choi.
MELVIN These, that, those, I don’t know and I’m getting sick of this. Fuck it, let’s just rape her, gang …
(All the MEN go for her. REMUS makes a commotion)
REMUS Hai hai hai!
(MEN stop)
Ten dollah. She virgin.
MU NAM Yes, I always virgin.
MELVIN Ten bucks? You’re crazy, you little slant-eyes hustler …
REMUS You watch mouth, morrafrukkah … I human being now …
MELVIN I’ll human being you!
(SUGAR looks off-stage)
SUGAR Hey, fellas … look what’s coming!
(THEY all turn)
JOE That’s ten bucks each you owe me now. I told you she’d come.
(Enter FIONA. MEN whistle, etc.)
FIONA Hi, fellas. How’s the war?
HERBIE It just got a little better when you walked in.
TROUT D’ya miss us … ma’am …
BROWN All of us …
MEAT LOAF At once …
(THEY are advancing on her)
FIONA Steady, brothers. I didn’t come back for that.
(REMUS is meanwhile losing business)
REMUS Hey, Joes. Virgin here. Five dollah. Very clean. Fuck like a bunny.
SUGAR Don’tcha want just a quick little gang-bang, ma’am? We could sure go for that.
FIONA Oh, I know how you guys must feel but … things have happened and … well, I’ve changed, that’s all.
REMUS Two dollah over here. Two dollah. Dollah-fifty. Dollah …
MELVIN Hey, heroes, it’s down to a dollar at the playboy club. Let’s go.
(ALL start towards REMUS. That leaves FIONA)
FIONA Luke! What’s the matter with you? I’ve come all the way back here to say hi and you leave me just like that. Let’s smoke. Rap a little.
HERBIE We’ll do all that stuff later … right, Luke …
MELVIN (Confused)
Yeah … right. After …
FIONA (Mock patient)
You guys are just too much. Don’t you ever think of anything else?
SUGAR (Very cute)
Never …
(Phrase from “MAMA YOU BETTER WATCH.” TROUT pulls SUGAR’s hat down over his eyes playfully. Pause)
TROUT How ‘bout it, ma’am? Yes, no, maybe?
FIONA Well, I guess once more isn’t going to hurt anyone. But, no kidding, this is the last time …
(THEY cheer. Run after her, all except MELVIN, REMUS, and MU NAM. JOE is last to exit. HE is smiling)
REMUS Chipskake morrafrukkahs!!!
JOE That’s my other ten bucks.
(HE runs off.
MELVIN looks off ruefully in the direction of the soldiers. HE holds his crotch and looks up)
MELVIN Luke! Help! Come back …
(REMUS motions MU NAM to leave and approaches MELVIN)
REMUS Hey, soldier boy. You got problem, mebbee … yes … Home far away. Dream always other dream. Want nookie sometimes but sword of warrior not rise … Not get hard-on. Bad news.
MELVIN Do you know what’s been happening to me?
REMUS We very wise people. See many problems. Know many solutions.
(REMUS claps her hands. Gong sounds. Enter LAO SHIH, a beautiful Vietnamese)
LAO SHIH Do not be afraid, soldier boy. I Lao Shih. Mean ‘One tear fall.’ You like?
(REPRISE brief melody of LUKE-NIN HUA duet)
REMUS She special virgin girl. You go with her, you get hard-on back …
MELVIN Lao Shih …
(LAO SHIH and MELVIN go off together. REMUS follows, drawing knife)

ACT II Scene 4

Inside Lo Dinh Temple.

A PRIESTESS sits beneath a Buddha. Incense. A pool. Colored lights play on the wall. Enter FIONA. SHE seems to be in a thoughtful mood. A VIETNAMESE WORSHIPPER sees her and runs out, looking down at her feet. The PRIESTESS glowers at her. FIONA senses that SHE isn’t wanted.

FIONA Please. May I stay? I just want to rest here for a minute …
(The PRIESTESS glowers and points to her feet. FIONA realizes it’s her shoes that are causing the problem. SHE takes them off)
I’m sorry. A friend of mine warned me about that. I forgot. Do you stay here all the time? It’s restful. You must know so much. There’s something I’d sure love you to answer for me, if only you could understand. I’m in love. I honestly think I’m in love. I feel confused. It’s funny how easy it is to talk in here.
(Looks at PRIESTESS)
Have you understood everything I just said? Your eyes say you did.
(PRIESTESS claps. Gong. Smoke. From the pool arise THREE TEMPLE MAIDENS)

SONG: “THE TEMPLE WATERS”

(As the introduction to this ends, enter DILLON, PRICE, and SOLDIERS: BROWN, JOE, and HERBIE. FIONA hides when SHE sees them. THEY see the TEMPLE VIRGINS giggling and washing each other)
HERBIE Holy Toledo, will ya look at that?
DILLON Is this what the men were afraid of … ?
(The PRIESTESS motions with her hands and a huge color-spectacle of menacing noises and colors sends them ALL backing away)
JOE No, sir, that’s what they were afraid of.

SONG: “THE TEMPLE WATERS”

(TEMPLE VIRGINS sing. At the end of the song THEY duck back into the water)
BROWN Hey, come back. We could use you in the show!!!
(PRIESTESS hisses again and the MEN cower. Only DILLON isn’t afraid)
DILLON Men, how do you expect the people of the hamlet to conquer their ancient fears and superstitions if they see a bunch of American soldiers cowering like mice …
JOE Who’s cowering?
(FIONA slips in her hiding place and makes an unintentional noise. JOE nearly falls to pieces)
DILLON Who was that? Hello. Is somebody there?
(FIONA decides to be brave and reveal herself)
FIONA It’s only me.
DILLON Ah, Fiona, what a nice surprise.
FIONA I was just looking around …
DILLON You seem upset …
FIONA No … you should take your shoes off if you’re going to stay in here. It’s the custom.
(FIONA points to the MEN’s shoes to make it clear to the PRIESTESS what SHE’s saying. The PRIESTESS nods violently. ALL obey)
HERBIE Was she getting all hot and bothered about a bunch of shoes?
DILLON Will you stay and help us get the stage ready for the show tonight? It’s a sort of get-acquainted vaudeville for the villagers.
FIONA I should be getting back to Saigon.
DILLON You’re not going to stay for a while …
FIONA I …
DILLON Did you look under the bowling alley … ?
FIONA Yes …
(SHE runs out, in tears)
DILLON Fiona!!!
BROWN Mama, you better watch out …
PRICE Shhh.
DILLON Keep things moving here, men. I’ll be back …
(HE exits, calling)
Fiona!!! Fiona!!!

ACT II Scene 5

The Hooch Bar.

Melvin sits alone. His hands are bloodstained. So is his face and uniform. HE’s looking at a knife.

MELVIN I killed two people.
(HE takes his rifle, puts the barrel in his mouth, closes his eyes and starts to go for the trigger. HE hasn’t got the will. LUKE, as a ghost, flies on)
I killed.
LUKE Peace, brother.
(MELVIN swings around, sees LUKE suspended in mid-air)
MELVIN Luke. Help me. Please. I’m going out of my mind.
LUKE You mean, you’re going out of my mind.
(HE chuckles)
MELVIN Change me back. Just let me be plaing old ass-hole four-eyes, Luke, again.
(Correcting himself)
I mean, Luke … Jesus, I can’t even say my own name anymore.
LUKE Melvin …
MELVIN Oh. Oh. It’s beautiful. Say it again.
LUKE Please change me back to Melvin …
MELVIN Yes …
LUKE Let me be just any old ordinary average chump and fade into the background …
MELVIN Oh, yes, yes, yes …
(LUKE laughs and flies off.
Opens eyes)
Luke!! Luke?!
(HE wanders off, chasing the ghost of LUKE.
As HE exits, FIONA runs on, having seen him)
FIONA Luke!!!
(From off-stage we hear DILLON)
DILLON Fiona!!!
FIONA(To herself) Dillon.
(DILLON runs on)
DILLON Fiona. What is it? Have I upset you? You’re not telling me something.
FIONA Oh … Micky.
DILLON You know, that’s the first time you’ve used my name.
FIONA I just can’t seem to face you.
DILLON Why?
FIONA Because … oh, you wouldn’t understand …
DILLON I might not. But then again, I might. And you’ll never find out unless you try. You must realize by now that my feelings for you go a lot deeper than more respect and admiration …
FIONA Oh, Micky … don’t …
DILLON The fact is … I’m in love with you, Fiona. And I want to make you my wife.
FIONA Micky, Micky, Micky … dear, sweet Micky, it just can’t work.
DILLON You’re running away from something. Tell me.
FIONA I’m a nymphomaniac.
(Pause)
There. I’ve said it.
(DILLON contorts into a bent coat-hanger and goes rigid with shock)
All along I tried to tell myself I was coming back here to do a follow-up story … then I saw you and I thought, well, I guess it’s love … and then I saw all the men and I knew it was just sex. Plain old fashioned gang-bangs. That’s what brought me back … Now you know the worst. Is that what you want for a wife?
(SHE sees him)
Oh, Micky. Are you all right?
(HE is staggering off)
I knew it couldn’t work …

(REPRISE -- “NEEDED”)

Goodbye, Micky …

ACT II Scene 6

The Temple.

The stage is now all set up. The THREE TEMPLE VIRGINS have been dressed up as cheerleaders and BROWNIE is trying to teach them a song.

BROWNIE O.K., ladies, now listen close …
(Sings)
HUNDRED-FIVE
POUNDS OF JIVE
THAT’S MY FOXY HONEY-HIVE
NEVER GIT PAST HER ALIVE
DIG MY HONEY-HIVE ALL NIGHT
(To PRICE)
Sarge, I can’t work with that old lady staring at me …
HERBIE You’re doing just fine, Brownie …
PRICE Maybe we ought to give her something.
HERBIE Yeah, she don’t look too happy at that. Give her some of your potato chips, Trout.
TROUT My potato chips.
PRICE Go ahead, Trout.
(TROUT goes over to OLD PRIESTESS. THREE GIRLS gasp.)
TROUT Smokey bacon flavor.
(At the same moment all the following happen:
1. OLD PRIESTESS smacks potato chips out of TROUT’s hand causing weird lights and smoke.
2. THREE TEMPLE VIRGINS scream and dive into water.
3. GENERAL EASTACRE enters with an aide, GERALD MOORE)
EASTACRE What the hell is going on here? Where’s Major Dillon? I was told I’d find him here.
PRICE He’s around, sir.
EASTACRE Is there anyone in this madhouse who can tell me why we’ve been getting requisition forms in Saigon for one thousand posture-rest mattresses, five hundred and thirty color TVs, two thousand aluminum pre-molded picture window frames, imitation bamboo portable bars, chlorine filter pumps. My God, what do you think you’re running down here, a Holiday Inn?
PRICE I think I can explain.
(MEAT LOAF is hanging around through this)
EASTACRE I hope so, Sergeant. And I hope you can explain what all this is about.
PRICE Oh. This is a stage, sir. We’re putting a show together for the people of the hamlet …
EASTACRE Show? Where’s the music? Where’s the dancing? You call this a show? We did better than this in the locker rooms at West Point. You there … boogie in B-flat. Come on, Gerald, let’s show these clowns a little razz-matazz …

SONG

EASTACRE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE JUNGLE
ON A SATURDAY NIGHT
WHEN THE ANIMALS ARE SLEEPING
AND THE MOON IS BRIGHT
IF YOU LISTEN REAL CLOSE
YOU HEAR A JUNGLE BEAT
THAT MAKES YOU WANT TO SNAP YOUR FINGERS
AND A-SHUFFLE YOUR FEET

YOU SNEAK INTO THE UNDERBRUSH
AND SHIMMY SHIMMY SHIMMY ALONG
YOUR MIND IS GOING LOCO, BOOB LEABLAH, COCOMOCO
WITH THE UGA BOOGA JUNGLE SONG
AND YOU KNOW YOU GOTTA FIND IT
IF YOU’RE GONNA SURVIVE
‘CAUSE YOUR BODY’S GOT THE FEVER AND IT’S
GONNA DRIVE YOU WILD

IT’S THE GO-GO-GO GUERRILLAS
THE REVOLUTIONARY FIVE MAN LIVE JIVE BAND
A BAND OF GO-GO-GO GUERRILLAS
THEY GOT A FIRE FIGHTING STYLE
A DYNAMITE SOUND
THE THINGS THAT THEY ARE PLAYING
GONNA TURN YOUR HEAD AROUND
THEY GOT A RHYTHM THAT’LL BURN YOU
AND A BEAT THAT CAN KILL
EVERYONE IN TOWN IS FLOCKING AROUND THOSE
GO-GO-GO-GO-GO KILLER GUERRILLAS

(DANCE)

YOU’RE RUNNING ‘ROUND IN CIRCLES
BUT YOU CAN’T SEE A THING
LOOKING FOR THE SOUND THAT
MAKES THE JUNGLE FOLK SWING
YOU’RE JUST ABOUT TO GIVE IT UP
AND CALL IT A NIGHT
WHEN UP AHEAD BEHIND A TREE
YOU SEE THE MOST AMAZING SIGHT …
YOU SNEAK INTO THE UNDERBRUSH
AND SHIMMY SHIMMY SHIMMY ALONG
YOUR MIND IS GOING LOCO, BOOB LEABLAH, COCOMOCO
WITH THE UGA BOOGA COOKA MOOGA
MISSALUBA JUNGLE SONG
AND YOU KNOW YOU GOTTA FIND IT
IF YOU’RE GONNA SURVIVE
‘CAUSE YOUR BODY’S GOT THE FEVER AND IT’S
GONNA DRIVE YOU WILD.

IT’S THE GO-GO-GO GUERRILLAS
THE REVOLUTIONARY FIVE MAN LIVE JIVE BAND
A BAND OF GO-GO-GO GUERRILLAS
THEY GOT A FIRE FIGHTING STYLE AND
A DYNAMITE SOUND
THE THINGS THAT THEY ARE PLAYING
GONNA TURN YOUR HEAD AROUND

KEEP ON TRUCKIN’, TRUCKIN’ IN THE WAR ZONE
SQUATTIN’ ON A TOMBSTONE
GONNA GET MY HEAD BLOWN
TRUCKIN’ IN THE WAR ZONE
WELL THERE’S NO ZONE LIKE THE OZONE

OOH BLIABLA SAKI O THALIDOMIDE AND NAGASAKI
HIROSHIMA TOO
I’M A BIG MUTATION AND SO ARE YOU

(As THEY do the dance the PRIESTESS gets up and joins them, grinning. SHE outdances them all. The music stops and all applaud)

EASTACRE Not bad, sweetie.
PRIESTESS C’est les Andrews Sisters. Je les connais tres bien. Continuez … (SHE resumes her place.
SONG -- last verses.
Song ends. DILLON enters, bent and twisted from FIONA scene)
EASTACRE Major Dillon, I want a word with you.
(MEAT LOAF has tossed a grenade. HE pushes DILLON to the ground)
MEAT LOAF Down, sir.
(Huge explosion. When the smoke clears we see the PRIESTESS with the potato chips in her hand, sampling them)
PRIESTESS C’est pas mal.

(Fade out)

ACT II Scene 7

Helicopter Pad.

Silhouette of helicopter behind. FIONA and PILOT enter. FIONA carries a bag.

PILOT That’s the one. Are you sure you know how to fly a helicopter, ma’am?
FIONA Is it a DXH-127 B, straight hydraulic couple?
PILOT Yes, ma’am.
FIONA I can handle it.
(SHE gives him money. HE exits)
PILOT Happy flying.
(MELVIN leaps out with knife)
Take me out of here. Fiona! It’s you.
FIONA What are you doing?
MELVIN I’m trying to hijack a chopper.
FIONA I’m flying back to Saigon. Why don’t you come with me? Is that blood on your hands, Luke … ?
MELVIN I’ve never killed anybody before. You know I’m not a killer, Nellie. I talk big but … but they kept coming after me. I had to stop them. Twice. I killed the same two women twice.
FIONA And I just found out I was a nymphomaniac.
MELVIN I saw a ghost. I killed. I got taken over by another person … I’m going mad …
FIONA And I lost the man I love. It hasn’t been a very good day for either of us … Oh, Luke, what makes us what we are … Remember back in Arkansas when we were kids …
MELVIN Well, that’s the weird thing. I actually do remember that …
FIONA Sitting up in the hayloft. Holding hands. Watching the cows grazing. Gathering clover. Remember when you put that buttercup against my nose?
MELVIN We were gonna be married.
FIONA With kids …
MELVIN And grandkids …
FIONA And a dog and chickens and a few milk cows …

(SONG: “WHAT’S BECOME OF THE PEOPLE WE WERE”

Song ends. UNCLE REMUS enters. SHE smiles)
REMUS Herro, soldier boy …
MELVIN No … no … it can’t be … I killed you twice today …
(HE looks for a way out, but LAO SHIH, NIN HUA, and MU NAM close in from all sides of the stage)
MU NAM, NIN HUA, LAO SHIH You like …
MELVIN I don’t believe it … NO … NO … NO! Arrgh …
(HE runs off, screaming. REMUS starts to follow, drawing knife, as FIONA, starry-eyed, begins)
FIONA(To herself) ‘Don’t believe it.’ DON’T BELIEVE IT. Wait a minute. That’s it. That’s the point.
(SHE talks to REMUS)
That’s the whole point. Of course. I’ve never believed in anything, since I left home. It’s all been a trip, a scene, a fantasy. Make believe. Make believe. I know what’s going on. Make believe I’m sharp, look bored, act liberated, seem hip. Don’t you see? It’s all appearances.
REMUS What she talking about?
FIONA You have to believe in something. It’s the only way to live. I’m not a nymphomaniac. I’m a healthy, normal American girl from Arkansas and I believe in it and I’m proud of it and I have a heart full of love to give to Mister Right. No more Fiona Markham. No more bare breasts. No more gang bangs and pseudo-liberal cynicism. I am Nellie Forbush, and I love you Mister Major Micky Wonderful Dillon …
(SHE hugs REMUS impulsively.REMUS is so stunned SHE can’t take a swipe at FIONA with the knife until it’s too late and FIONA is safely away)
REMUS We never win this war against them …

END SCENE 7

ACT II Scene 8

Supply Grounds.

Boxes piled around. DILLON is smashing them with a hatchet. MEAT LOAF and JOE watch. THEY both hold hatchets.

DILLON Quickly, men. Those boxes. Double time. They’re not gonna get their sticky little yellow fingers on this stuff. Oh no. Not while Micky Dillon’s in action. Shhh … not so loud …
(MELVIN wanders on looking completely crazed. HE carries two scalps. HE is covered from head to foot with blood)
JOE Luke … what are we gonna do (about Dillon)?
(MELVIN grabs an axe and starts viciously in with DILLON)
DILLON They just got the best general this army ever had. Chet ‘Grinder’ Eastacre. Blasted him to pieces up there in the shrine. When he was unarmed.
(Addressing CHET)
Chet. We’re not gonna stand around here and let them get away with that. No, sir … Right, men?
MELVIN Fuckin’ A-straight, sir …
JOE, MEAT LOAF Right.
(DILLON fires revolver into bushes)
DILLON We know you’re in there, slopeheads … Get back, men. Don’t give them an open target … You know what a slope is, soldier? A slope is someone you give him the shirt off your back and he stabs you when you’re walking away. They think we’re a bunch of impotent pansies from across the ocean. Ball-less wonders in uniform. And for once they got it all wrong, ‘cause this time they’re dealing with a man, you know what I mean, soldier, a man.
JOE The guys all appreciate you, sir.
DILLON(To JOE) Can you get a hard-on?
JOE What?
DILLON You heard me, soldier.
JOE Sure, now …
DILLON(To MELVIN) What about you?
MELVIN Major, I don’t want to boast, but hard-on is my middle name.
DILLON That’s the spirit. See that, dinks. Men. This outfit is one hundred and ninety-nine percent potent. No wet noodle cocks in this outfit. No, sir.
JOE You have some kind of problem in that area, sir … ?
DILLON Me?
(Laughing)
Are you asking Micky Dillon is he can get a boner?
JOE No sir …
DILLON You happen to be looking at a man whose hard-on’ll split eighteen inches of cast iron right down the …
(HE breaks down sobbing. MELVIN, astonished, looks on)
MELVIN Jesus!
MEAT LOAF It’s nothing to fret yourself about, Major?
JOE Hell, I had a brother who …
DILLON(With sudden resolve) There is only one way to save Operation Markham, from total disaster, men, one way, and one way only. We’re going to go through that hamlet and level it. Every house, every tree, every bush, every blade of grass. Surprise attack.
MELVIN No warning. Like they do it.
DILLON God damn right. Tonight.
MELVIN Take the goddamn place down to bare earth. That’s the ticket.
DILLON Say, what’s your name, soldier? MELVIN Byson, sir. Private. Luke Byson.
DILLON Do you think you can handle a mission like this, Sergeant Byson?
(MELVIN smiles meanly)
MELVIN Why not?
DILLON It’s yours.
MELVIN Roger …
(DILLON laughs. MELVIN joins him)
DILLON It’s about time we had a little action around here, anyway.
(Yelling into bushes)
COME ON GOOKS!
MELVIN(Yelling) What are you waiting for?
DILLON WE’RE HERE.
(THEY both fire their guns into the bushes … laughing. MEAT LOAF and JOE look on, crestfallen. MEAT LOAF lobs a grenade at DILLON and hides behind boxes with JOE. DILLON spots the grenade. HE picks it up, shakes it defiantly at bushes)
Think you can wipe us out like that? Look at it, soldier. U.S. Army issue. Trying to wipe us out with our own weapons and they don’t even know how to use the damn things.
(MEAT LOAF and JOE peek around the boxes. See that the grenades haven’t gone off. MEAT LOAF lobs handfuls of grenades at DILLON and MELVIN)
MELVIN Maybe we ought to show ‘em how, Major.
DILLON Sure thing, Lieutenant!
(PRICE runs on with flashlight)
PRICE Sir, I thought I hear some shooting, yaaaah …
(HE sees the grenades and hits the deck)
DILLON(Urgently) Don’t let ‘em see yer like that, Price, they’re watching.
(PRICE stands)
PRICE Who?
DILLON I want you to radio for air and artillery support strike on the hamlet at exactly 0-200 tonight.
PRICE What?!
DILLON I want everything they can give and tell ‘em to keep popping it in here for half an hour …
PRICE But this is a non-combat outfit in a pacified area, C-24. We’ll need clearance.
DILLON You’ve got it. From me. Hop to it.
PRICE But sir …
(DILLON draws his revolver, calmly. So does MELVIN)
DILLON Disobeying an order from a superior officer is the most serious offense in the rulebook, Lieutenant.
PRICE(Whisper) Yes, sir.
(PRICE exits. DILLON and MELVIN look at each other grinning)

REPRISE: “WHAT A WAR”

BOTH WHAT A WAR, WHAT A WAR
WHAT A WAR, WHAT A WAR
WHAT A WHAT A WHAT A WHAT A
WHAT A WHAT A WHAT A WHAT A
YADDE YADDE YADDE YADDE
YADDE YADDE YADDE YADDE

(This is cut off abruptly by the wail of a siren and soundtrack of commotion, yelling, confusion. JOE and MEAT LOAF emerge as MELVIN and DILLON exit. THEY throw grenades by the handful, growing ever more hysterical, and exit in the direction that DILLON and MELVIN went off.
Over all this is a metallic announcement in the back, like a P.A. system)
VOICE Attention all personnel. Attention all personnel. Code Y procedures now in force. B Company assemble on Parade Ground B, full battle dress, double time. B Company assemble on Parade Ground B, full battle dress, double time. Code Y procedures now in force … [Etc]
(While this is happening the VIETNAMESE enter furtively, as if THEY’ve been waiting. THEY swoop on with shoulder bags and pick up the grenades, putting them in the bags.
This can be choreographed to a rhythm on drums -- the rhythm which will later be used for “search and destroy.”
This goes right into next scene)

ACT II Scene 9

Parade Ground B

HERBIE, TROUT, BROWN, and SUGAR. P.A. system and sound just dying from the last scene. Enter SUGAR, pulling on his gear and rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.

SUGAR What’s going on?
(Enter TROUT)
TROUT(To SUGAR) Hey, what’s going on?
SUGAR I don’t know.
(Enter BROWN)
TROUT(To BROWN) What’s going on?
SUGAR(To BROWN) What’s going on?
BROWN I was just gonna ask you the same thing.
(Enter HERBIE)
HERBIE Hey …
TROUT, SUGAR We don’t know …
(This is all done quickly [a routine]. Enter JOE, eyes wide open in a state of semi-astonishment. HE walks past like a ghost. HERBIE sneaks up behind him and imitates an alarm clock)
HERBIE Brrrrrrnnnnnnn-ng!!! Morning.
(JOE looks at him slowly)
What’s with you?
(MEAT LOAF enters. HE’s in shock too)
MEAT LOAF Thirty-five grenades at least. Thirty-five, and not one of the buzzards went off. They must be a couple of witches.
BROWN What’s a matter with you dudes, someone steal your dope?
MEAT LOAF Luke and Dillon, they’ve flipped. He’s yelling at us, kicking in boxes, ordering us to git hard-ons, ain’t that right, Joey?
JOE Huh?
(JOE can’t talk anymore. Enter DILLON, followed by LUKE)
DILLON What was that, soldier?
MEAT LOAF Nothing, sir.
DILLON(Calm and sane) Here it is, men. You’re going to level the hamlet. In and out. An air strike will create diversionary activity.
Price. PRICE Yes, sir, it’s all been arranged.
DILLON Good. You’ll go in, level the hamlet, eliminate all suspected Cong, and withdraw immediately. Sergeant Bryson will be in charge.
MEN Sergeant …
DILLON No questions. This is Code M for Michael. I just want to say one thing of a personal nature. I can’t pretend that this isn’t a dangerous mission. Some of you … won’t make it back. So I’d like to take this opportunity to say that you’ve all been the finest, most dedicated, tightest and masculine outfit it’s ever been my privilege to command. There may be other wars, other outfits, other soldiers, but but none like this, these, and you. Good luck, and God bless you. Price. Sergeant.
(DILLON salutes MELVIN and exits with PRICE. MEAT LOAF starts to throw a grenade. MELVIN grabs his hand)
MELVIN None of that.
MEAT LOAF You’re both crazy, both of you.
BROWN Sergeant, huh.
MELVIN That’s right, heroes. Sergeant Bryson, it’s from using the marbles God gave me, right.
HERBIE Getting to lead us on a goddamn suicide mission. That don’t sound too bright to me.
MELVIN Listen, Herbie. All you guys. We’re surrounded. That’s what this is all about. If we don’t move now we’ve had it. See this. (Ears)
Uncle Remus. This?
(Ears)
Nin Hua. Friends. They tried to kill me. So I killed them. And I killed them again. And I’m gonna keep on killing them till they’re dead. Sometimes we gotta get a little serious about this war.
SUGAR He’s right.
MEAT LOAF He’s crazy I’m telling you. I seen him just before.
MELVIN Come on, Meat, get a little heroin in your veins and snap out of it. I can’t have you hallucinating on me.
MEAT LOAF Hey, Joe, tell the guys, tell them what we saw before.
(JOE is glassy eyed)
TROUT Jesus, what if we are surrounded?
MEAT LOAF Of course, we’re surrounded, goddamnit. We’re in a foreign country. And another thing. I pulled the pin on this grenade.
(THEY all duck. Silence. ALL look at dormant grenade)
Look at it. It’s inhuman. This is getting witchy.
MELVIN One more move like that and you get a grenade in your underpants.
(Pause)
O.K., heroes. Form ranks.
(MEN line up with him. ALL except MEAT LOAF who walks off, pulls a grenade out. Pulls the pin out)
MEAT LOAF I don’t understand what’s happening around here. How come they ain’t going off?
(The grenade explodes)
BROWN We’re taking losses ‘fore we even start.
MELVIN All right, men, LET’S GO!!!!
(Freeze. Rhythm. Battle Ballet. Lighting change.
MEN fighting like Viet Cong. Most of the Cong being killed, rising, laughing. Bombs exploding behind. Perhaps MEN make sound effects. Very hokey)

ACT II Scene 10

The Hooch.

SUGAR comes on stage, whimpering. NIN HUA enters, sees him.

SUGAR I’m scared.
(NIN HUA guides him behind bushes)
I don’t wanna die.
NIN HUA You not die. Joe. You safe, here …
(SHE lays SUGAR’s head on her lap)

SONG: “HEAVEN CAN WAIT”

(During this song REMUS comes out of the hooch, looks on lovingly, lights a joint, and passes it to SUGAR. Song ends)

SUGAR That was beautiful!
(Noises of yelling and explosions offstage)
TROUT(Offstage) Over here, Luke.
(TROUT and HERBIE run on. SUGAR leaps up and points gun at NIN HUA and REMUS)
HERBIE Good going, Sugar …
SUGAR They was just hiding …
(Enter MELVIN, BROWN, and JOE, still in a trance. MELVIN sees the TWO VIETNAMESE)
MELVIN You again. REMUS Herro, Rook.
(TROUT emerges from inside the hooch with three more VIETNAMESE)
TROUT Three more.
MELVIN Take ‘em all away and burn the place.
TROUT But what if she’s concealing something, you know what I mean?
MELVIN Forget it, we got work to do.
HERBIE But what if she’s concealing something, you know what I mean?
MELVIN Like what, the golden egg!?
HERBIE Sure, why not.
SUGAR What’s the golden egg?
TROUT Jesus, Sugar, you ain’t heard about the golden egg?
SUGAR No.
HERBIE Luke, we’ve got a serious problem here.
MELVIN O.K. Go ahead. But make it snappy. And give that old gook a good view of the action.

SONG:

ONCE UPON A TIME THERE LIVED A PRETTY PRINCESS
HER EYES WERE BLUE AS THE SEA
AND DEEP INSIDE HER BODY WAS A GOLDEN EGG
SO THE PRINCE HE DID DECREE
ANY MAN AROUND WHO THINKS HE CAN DISCOVER
WHERE THE GOLDEN EGG DOES LIE
I WILL MAKE HIM A WEALTHY MAN
AND THE CROWD THEY DID REPLY

WHO CAN FIND THE GOLDEN
I CAN FIND THE GOLDEN
FIND THE GOLDEN EGG
WHO CAN FIND THE GOLDEN
I CAN FIND THE GOLDEN
FIND THE GOLDEN EGG

A HUMBLE ARTIST WAS THE FIRST TO VOLUNTEER
WITH A PAINTBRUSH IN HIS HAND
AND HE STUCK THE PAINTBRUSH IN THE ROYAL BODY
BUT IT MADE THE PRINCESS MAD
THE NEXT VOLUNTEER HE WAS A BAKER MAN
HE HAD A ROLLER FOR HIS BREAD
BUT THE PRINCESS SAID WHEN HE’S FINISHED HIS SEARCH
I WANT … THE BAKER DEAD.

NEXT WITH A BROOM ON A WOODEN HANDLE
CAME THE CLEANER OF THE STREETS
AND HE LEANED ON THE HANDLE WITH ALL OF HIS WEIGHT
TILL THE PRINCESS BLED ON THE SHEETS
NEXT CAME A BARBER WITH A BARBER POLE
WHICH HE DRAGGED ALONG ON THE GROUND
AND HE RAMMED THE POLE IN THE PRINCESS’ HOLE
BUT THE EGG … IT COULDN’T BE FOUND

DIG A LITTLE FASTER, DIG A LITTLE DEEPER
DIG IT. DIG IT IN
GOTTA BE DONE BEFORE THE DARKNESS COMES
AND THE NIGHT IS MOVING IN

(Repeat)

RAM A LITTLE FASTER, RAM A LITTLE DEEPER.
RAM IT, RAM IT IN
GOTTA BE DONE BEFORE THE DARKNESS COMES
AND THE NIGHT IS MOVING IN

(Repeat)

RAM IT IN JAM IT IN
JAM IT IN JAM IT IN
FIND THAT GOLDEN EGG
RAM IT IN JAM IT IN
JAM IT IN JAM IT IN
FIND THAT GOLDEN EGG

SUDDENLY A HUSH CAME OVER THE CROWD
AS A VOICE AROSE FROM THE DIN
AND THERE WITH A RIFLE AND A BAYONET
STOOD A SOLDIER GRINNING A GRIN
HE SLICED THE PRINCESS WITH HIS BAYONET
FROM HER CROTCH TO HER SEA BLUE EYES
THEN HE STUCK HIS THUMB IN THE ROYAL TUM
AND HE PULLED … HE PULLED OUT THE PRIZE

ANIAH -- HOON -- NIAH
ANIAH -- HOON -- NIAH
ANIAH -- HOONAH -- HOONAH -- AYO

(Repeat.
While this song is being sung, each of the MEN takes the role of one of the characters in the song:
BROWN is the “artist.”
HERBIE is the “baker.”
JOE is the “street cleaner,” aided by others.
TROUT is the “soldier.”
THEY each do cornball expressions as THEY rape NIN HUA)

TROUT Your turn, Luke, check her out.
MELVIN If you’re finished, dump her, and let’s get moving.
HERBIE Hey, how come you’re always copping out of the action, Luke?
MELVIN You got your orders, soldier … !!
(TROUT and HERBIE nod toward each other, grab MELVIN, and strip him. MELVINis in a rage of frustration)
Let me go, goddamnit. You bastards. I’ll kill you when I get out of this. Lay off. No no no no no.
(HE rises. The OTHERS are laughing, pointing at his crotch)
TROUT That don’t look like much to me …
HERBIE That what you been using for bait, Luke?
SUGAR Jesus, I wouldn’t write home about that.
(THEY’RE all laughing. MELVIN is red in the face. HE grabs a gun)
MELVIN O.K., you half-baked chicken shits, I’ll show you how a man deals with Victor Charlie Cong …
(MELVIN points the gun at NIN HUA’s prone figure and cocks it.
CHORDS.
MEN all go “Ooooh” and point to MELVIN’s crotch.
Hysterical, happy)
Do you see that? Do you see what I see?
(In the course of this HE moves the rifle away. MEN all go “Aw.” MELVIN is crestfallen)
But I just had it. What happened?
(To NIN HUA)
Goddamn you anyway.
(Points rifle. MEN go “oooh”)
There it is again. See it. I found it. That’s it …
(HE swings rifle to and fro and MEN portray the rising and falling of MELVIN’s organ)
Hold a gun on her, somebody.
(HE goes to raping her as the MEN sing the last chorus. During this, the ghost of LUKE, unseen, wanders in. Music breaks for a second)
I’m almost there. Shoot her, somebody.
(Shots)
That was for you, Luke.
(MEN all cheer. THEY break into an orgy of killing the remaining VIETNAMESE.
THEY exit laughing.
LUKE smiles to himself as HE sees the immobile NIN HUA lying there)
LUKE That’s all there was to it.
(HE unzips his fly)
Well look out mama … Byson’s in action again. (HE tries to pick up a rifle on the ground. His hand goes through it. He’s a ghost. Can’t make it)
No. No. No. I want to be alive. Can I please be alive again?
(FADE TO:)

ACT II Scene 11

The Radio Shack.

A table. RADIOMAN listens in. DILLON and PRICE strained and tense. In the background, as ghosts, MEAT LOAF and MADDOX.

DILLON Any sign?
(RADIOMAN shakes his head, negative)
What’s taking them so long?
MADDOX(To MEAT LOAF) Come on, come on, soldier, back straight.
MEAT LOAF Stop it, Maddox, we’re both dead.
MADDOX That’s no excuse, soldier.
MEAT LOAF(To heaven) What do you do with him?
(DILLON glances at his watch)
DILLON What time do you have?
PRICE 0-1-50 hours.
DILLON Air strike confirmed for 0-200?
PRICE Yes, sir.
DILLON Ten minutes.
PRICE I think I owe you an apology, sir.
DILLON Skip it.
PRICE I never really understood what a responsibility it was to command a …
DILLON I know, Sergeant. If it’s the only mistake you ever make, you’re batting in the high 400’s.
PRICE Thank you, sir.
(Tense. Radio crackles. If this radio shack can be made so that a large area of the stage is unused, the MEN should cluster on the stage quietly, while MELVIN takes a portable radio to the doorway of the shack.
RADIOMAN hands earphones to DILLON)
MELVIN(In doorway) We could use a little help out here.
DILLON(Into radio) Name it, soldier.
MELVIN Well, sir, could you turn around …
(DILLON turns. MELVIN drops the radio)
DILLON Sergeant Bryson, I’m not seeing things.
MELVIN B-Company all present and accounted for. Mission accomplished. You’d never know there was a hamlet out there.
DILLON(Tense) Casualties …
MELVIN None, sir.
DILLON NONE?!!!
MELVIN Perfect mission, sir.
(DILLON is almost in tears)
PRICE You’ve earned it, sir …
(MEAT LOAF can’t believe it)
MEAT LOAF Jesus, if I could hold a grenade now I’d put all of ‘em out of their misery …
MADDOX It was you!!!
(MADDOX goes for MEAT LOAF, swinging viciously, but his blows have no impact. MEAT LOAF takes no role. DILLON meanwhile straightens his uniform)
DILLON I’m going to say a few words to the men.
MELVIN There is one other thing, sir. See, during the mission … Well, it’s the damndest thing … it’s sort of confidential, sir …
(HE whispers in DILLON’s ear)
MEAT LOAF Maddox, you’re missing the best part, ya know …
(DILLON is amazed by what HE’s hearing)
DILLON Are you sure about that, Lieutenant?
PRICE Lieutenant?
MELVIN It happened to me, sir, I swear.
DILLON I’ve got to find Fiona. No, no. The men are out there. Price, find Fiona. Tell her … tell her I was a fool, and I want her, faults and all.
PRICE Yes, sir …
(DILLON goes out to where the MEN are waiting. PRICE looks over the confirmation order. The MEN cheer DILLON)
DILLON Men …
(Pause. PRICE is showing the confirmation order to the RADIOMAN)
PRICE Are these the air strike coordinates you got confirmed?
DILLON Men, I can’t seem to find the right words …
RADIOMAN(To PRICE)< /span> We’re in trouble …
PRICE Get on the radio …
RADIOMAN Too late, sir.
(RADIOMAN crosses himself and dives under the table. PRICE runs out)
DILLON(To MEN) I guess hard-on sums it … I mean … bravo …
PRICE Sir, sir, excuse me. But these coordinates are wrong. The air strike is going to hit …
DILLON Didn’t I order you to find Fiona Markham?
PRICE Sir, you don’t understand …
(Aircraft heard above. FIONA runs on)
FIONA Micky … I’ve been looking all over for you.
(SHE stops and looks up with the rest)
MEAT LOAF(To MADDOX) Guess we’ll be having company …
(Plane noises louder … diving … )
PRICE Hit the dirt.
(Fade to explosion in darkness.
Yells)

ACT II Scene 12

Hospital.

Slight variation on the hospital in Act I. GUYS lying around in bed. For convenience THEY have names of GUYS in Act I.

COSTUCCI sits playing mouth harp. Tune is “What Happened To The People We Were?” DOCTOR and NURSE wheel in two SPOOKIES and hook them up. Exit.

The MEN immediately come to life. NATHAN and WILEY each go to one SPOOKY.

MIKE Who are they?
(Reading tag)
NATHAN Unidentified. Class-3.
WILEY(Reading tag) Unidentified. Class-3.
NATHAN(SPOOKY 1 makes a noise) It’s talking. Hello in there …
SPOOKY 1 Where am I?
NATHAN Japan. You got it bad.
SPOOKY 1 I’m Major Micky Dillon, 283rd B-Company …
SPOOKY 2 Micky … Micky … Micky … Dillon …
WILEY It’s a woman!
DILLON Fiona.
FIONA Fiona, Nellie, what difference does it make? I love you …
NATHAN What’s going on?
DILLON Where are you?
FIONA Here.
(THEY probe the air for each other)
You’re alive. Thank God. Oh, I’ve been so selfish, Micky. Will you ever be able to forgive me?
DILLON It wasn’t you, it was me. Running away from my impotence.
FIONA You were …
DILLON Yes, I have been for years.
FIONA Oh, no …
DILLON But not any more. I’ve found a cure. I think.
(To ALL)
I need a gun … A GUN … That’s an order …
NATHAN A gun … he says he wants a gun. Give him a gun …
(WILEY gets a gun from under his pillow and hands it to DILLON)
FIONA Why do you need a gun?
(DILLON points the gun, feels his crotch)
DILLON It works. It really works.
FIONA What are you doing? I can’t see, Micky.
DILLON Give me your hand …
(SHE does. HE whispers)
FIONA Really? And it works?
(DILLON puts her hand on his crotch and points the gun)
DILLON I’m pointing a gun now.
FIONA Yes, yes, I feel it. Oh, Micky …
DILLON You won’t mind?
FIONA I don’t mind anything as long as we’re together …
DILLON In the heat of things I might lose my head so I’ll never point at a vital organ. I couldn’t bear it if anything happened to you.
FIONA You dear, sweet, wonderful man …

SONG

GIVE US THE SIMPLE LIFE
MISTER AND MISSUS
HUSBAND AND WIFE
A COMFY LITTLE BUNGALOW
A YELLOW CHEVROLET
SITTING ON THE PORCH AT NIGHT
WHILING THE HOURS AWAY. THE HOURS AWAY
A PAIR LIKE US WILL BE THE TOAST OF THE TOWN
STAR-CROSSED LOVERS ON A MERRY-GO-ROUND
HEY PRETTY BOY DO YOU REMEMBER OLD ACE
AND HOW’D YOU LIKE TO MARRY A MAN
HOW’D YOU LIKE TO MARRY A MAN
A MAN, A MAN …
WITHOUT A … !!

(ALL HOSPITAL STAFF join in. At the end of the song, the NURSE, as UNCLE REMUS, rips off her nurse’s uniform, yells “Hai” … and all the other NURSES rip off their whites and prove to be VIETNAMESE. THEY go for DILLON and FIONA with knives. DILLON shoots them)

FIONA(Shrieks) What’s happening?
DILLON Nothing that I can’t handle …

(Rest of song)

END OF PLAY